Lunch

(1:50 PM) Kevin: That lunch was a fucking awesome jam
(1:50 PM) Kevin: It was a salad that tasted like a banh mi
(1:50 PM) Kevin: I want to fuck the lunch I just ate
(1:50 PM) Ron: I can't deal with it
(1:50 PM) Kevin: can't deal with what?
(1:50 PM) Ron: you need to find a hospital and check your fucked up crazy ass into it
(1:51 PM) Ron: and then get a lobotomy
(1:51 PM) Kevin: this is the first time I've sent you an IM that didn't say "I want to die" in like 3 years
(1:51 PM) Kevin: isn't that enough for you?

Crapping at Work

(4:57 PM) Kevin: Do you know about my deal with crapping @ work?
(4:57 PM) Kevin: I hate it
(4:57 PM) Kevin: and I wont do it
(4:58 PM) Ron: did not know that
(4:58 PM) Ron: I'm always dropping a deuce
(5:01 PM) Kevin: Jealous
(5:01 PM) Ron: why is a trouble? you feel exposed? (by my web cam in both bathrooms?)
(5:02 PM) Kevin: that's a small part of it
(5:07 PM) Ron: the large part of it is that Darnell gets turned on when you go into the bathroom
(5:07 PM) Ron: so fucked
(5:08 PM) Kevin: Darnell is sexually attracted to my turds
(5:08 PM) Kevin: accidentally sent that IM to him like 50-60 times

The Rap Battle

(5:06 PM) Ron: now I'm stressed about the date
(5:06 PM) Kevin: yr gonna have so much fun
(5:06 PM) Kevin: beautiful night out
(5:06 PM) Kevin: gonna get a back rub
(5:06 PM) Kevin: neck punch
(5:06 PM) Kevin: gonna have a blast
(5:06 PM) Kevin: gonna get capped in the ass
(5:06 PM) Kevin: gonna die fast
(5:22 PM) Kevin: Take a nap
(5:22 PM) Kevin: in my lap
(5:23 PM) Ron: rappity happidy
(5:23 PM) Ron: Freestyle rappin's gonna be
(5:23 PM) Ron: a really fun thing you can do for free
(5:24 PM) Ron: Find a hip beat and a piece of linoleum
(5:24 PM) Ron: Dance all night to the sounds of petroleum
(5:24 PM) Ron: jelly
(5:24 PM) Kevin: Petrol. Jelly Doesn't make a sound
(5:24 PM) Kevin: but I will drop upon you the freshest rhymes around
(5:25 PM) Kevin: sit back while I astound
(5:25 PM) Kevin: and turn your pants brown
(5:25 PM) Kevin: with an upside down frown
(5:25 PM) Kevin: what the fuck's linoleum got to do with rap
(5:25 PM) Kevin: cuz if you step you'll get yr teeth capped
(5:25 PM) Kevin: after you get brutal slapped
(5:25 PM) Kevin: and violently rapped
(5:25 PM) Kevin: I mean raped
(5:25 PM) Kevin: no escape
(5:25 PM) Kevin: While I hate
(5:26 PM) Kevin: upon the deepest parts of a hairless ape
(5:37 PM) Kevin: Remember when we were battle rhyming and i schooled you
(5:43 PM) Ron: no
(5:43 PM) Ron: never happened

Tête-à-Tête

(2:32 PM) Kevin: the guys who run the pirate bay are going to jail
(2:33 PM) Kevin: and getting fined 4 million dollars
(2:33 PM) Ron: you will join them
(2:35 PM) Ron: i understand that they made a spectacle of the court case
(2:37 PM) Ron: no wonder they had the book thrown at them
(2:37 PM) Kevin: They thought it was a kangaroo court
(2:37 PM) Kevin: and acted accordingly
(2:37 PM) Ron: that's bullshit
(2:37 PM) Kevin: I'm not saying they're right
(2:37 PM) Ron: yeah
(2:37 PM) Kevin: I'm saying that's what they thought
(2:37 PM) Kevin: a rice pill is in order
(2:38 PM) Ron: well I'm saying we're about to have a little tete a tete
(2:38 PM) Ron: in which my tete (FIST) will do some talking with your tete
(2:38 PM) Kevin: I'm gonna bust off all over yr tetes
(2:50 PM) Ron: your balls, rusty vice, turn slowly until bursting
(2:50 PM) Kevin: Did that last night. Made a video, showed your parents

Forgetting

(2:43 PM) Kevin: I've been forgetting things lately in a way I never used to
(2:44 PM) Kevin: the other day I couldn't remember the name of the guy who played Freddy Kruegger
(2:44 PM) Kevin: I was like wigging out
(2:44 PM) Kevin: That's the kind of shit people rely on me for
(2:44 PM) Ron: chickens are coming home to roost
(2:45 PM) Kevin: That's so fucked up
(2:45 PM) Ron: you make so much fun of me for my memory
(2:45 PM) Kevin: At least I still remember my first name, how to put on pants
(2:45 PM) Kevin: more than yr forgetful ass can say
(2:45 PM) Ron: OWNED
(2:45 PM) Kevin: I saw you piss yourself earlier
(2:45 PM) Kevin: Carmine had to wash you off in the restroom
(2:45 PM) Ron: you need to be careful dude
(2:45 PM) Kevin: luckily your mom sends you to work with a change of pants
(2:46 PM) Ron: this is all stuff that's gonna happen to your lazy trifling ass
(2:46 PM) Kevin: its hilarious to me that you said trifling

ER

(1:39 PM) Ron: have you ever watched ER?
(1:39 PM) Kevin: no
(1:39 PM) Ron: so you missed my guest appearance - "Man with Goiter"
(1:40 PM) Kevin: Oh, I've appeared on it numerous times. I was "Binky the Goat Baby" in seasons 3 and 4. I just don't like to watch my own work.

Poetry

(10:39 AM) Kevin: no poem has ever touched me in any way
(10:39 AM) Ron: OK - your loss
(10:39 AM) Kevin: except like shel silverstein
(10:39 AM) Ron: yeah
(10:39 AM) Ron: well there are poets for you
(10:39 AM) Ron: out there
(10:39 AM) Kevin: Shel Silverstein and Sam Kinnison
(10:40 AM) Ron:
Dickie milkshake
Bottom gunny sack
great Sperm count dude
Gonna punchie yer FAYCE
Lighten UP
babie I'm in luv with U
(10:40 AM) Kevin: Great sperm count dude
(10:41 AM) Kevin: best one
(10:41 AM) Kevin: best fucking shit ever
(10:41 AM) Ron: see?
(10:41 AM) Ron: there's poetry out there for you
(10:41 AM) Kevin: that poem moved me
(10:41 AM) Kevin: (to murder)

Pants Unzipped

(11:53 AM) Kevin: just realized a moment ago that my pants have been unzipped all morning
(11:53 AM) Ron: you give me shit about my memory while your noodle hangs out in the wind

A-Ha - Take On Me

(5:46 PM) Kevin: So you know how the dude hits that falsetto note in Take On Me
(5:46 PM) Kevin: Which just happened a second ago, you know when Brandon was playing it?
(5:46 PM) Kevin: Darnell just said, right before that part happened:
(5:46 PM) Kevin: "Quick, kick yourself in the balls so you can sing this part"
(5:46 PM) Kevin: what?
(5:46 PM) Kevin: What motivates a person like that
(5:47 PM) Ron: that is a weird thing to say
(5:47 PM) Kevin: Why does he talk?
(5:47 PM) Ron: and I wouldn't have thought of it
(5:47 PM) Ron: "kick yourself in the balls"?
(5:47 PM) Kevin: Why the fuck do we work here?
(5:47 PM) Ron: that's some shit you might say
(5:47 PM) Kevin: you have seriously crossed a new line in saying that
(5:48 PM) Ron: you deserve it
(5:49 PM) Kevin: Why are we now listening to the final countdown?
(5:50 PM) Kevin: Why would anyone think it was cute or funny to listen to this entire song?
(5:50 PM) Ron: i don't f'inknow
(5:50 PM) Kevin: why does this happen?
(5:50 PM) Kevin: Why is there so much trouble in this world.
(5:51 PM) Ron: you need to chill the fuck up
(5:51 PM) Ron: kick yourself in the balls

The Perfected Asshole

(3:49 PM) Ron: how is it that you are the biggest a hole in the world? how is that possible?
(3:50 PM) Kevin: Well...I haven't really been at liberty to discuss this...
(3:50 PM) Kevin: but...
(3:50 PM) Kevin: I am the product of a genetic experiment
(3:50 PM) Kevin: I was created in a lab
(3:50 PM) Kevin: ahole industries and textiles
(3:50 PM) Kevin: they were trying to perfect assholism
(3:50 PM) Kevin: but I was too powerful and I escaped
(3:50 PM) Kevin: I lived in the wild for 4 years
(3:51 PM) Kevin: living on the feces of bears and the tears of abducted children
(3:52 PM) Ron: get me some water now
(3:52 PM) Kevin: Sorry. I am the perfected asshole. I ain't gettin you shit

Truffle Oil

(5:28 PM) Kevin: There's a pizza place between n. 6th and n7th
(5:29 PM) Kevin: it has pizza with truffle oil
(5:29 PM) Kevin: it's magical
(5:29 PM) Ron: the art and science of pizza? that place?
(5:29 PM) Kevin: truffles are like my favorite food in the universe
(5:29 PM) Ron: that I did not know
(5:29 PM) Kevin: I'd fuck a prostitute with chlamidiya to get a truffle in my mouth
(5:29 PM) Ron: that's basically your coming out statement

Grimace

(1:15 PM) Kevin: God
(1:15 PM) Kevin: Flip is such a clown
(1:15 PM) Ron: what now
(1:15 PM) Kevin: Look at his outfit
(1:16 PM) Ron: purple t-shirt and jeans
(1:16 PM) Ron: yeah - he looks like an idiot
(1:16 PM) Ron: but this office doesn't give a shit
(1:19 PM) Kevin: he's dressed like Grimace from McDonalds
(1:19 PM) Kevin:
(1:20 PM) Ron: I would like you to walk up to Flip with a pasted on smile and pretend that he's grimace and hug him
(1:20 PM) Ron: I'm afraid you'd do it
(1:20 PM) Kevin: you should be
(1:22 PM) Ron: would you do it for $100?
(1:22 PM) Kevin: yes
(1:22 PM) Ron: I don't believe you
(1:22 PM) Kevin: That was the number I was thinking of, actually
(1:22 PM) Kevin: do you want to shake on this
(1:22 PM) Ron: you couldn't tell him that you'd been paid to do it
(1:22 PM) Ron: you couldn't explain it in anyway
(1:22 PM) Kevin: Im fine with that
(1:22 PM) Ron: I'm not going to pay you for that
(1:23 PM) Kevin: Im calling yr bluff here
(1:23 PM) Ron: its too fucked up
(1:23 PM) Kevin: and yr pussing out
(1:23 PM) Ron: it would be too fucked
(1:24 PM) Ron: you would have to hug him and call him grimace
(1:24 PM) Kevin: I'd even go up to a brah and say "ano ka ba talaga, grimace?!"

Suicide vs. Slit Throat vs. Cookie

(5:23 PM) Ron: might wanna jump off a cliff
(5:24 PM) Kevin: can you bungie off a cliff over a cookie salesman, grab a cookie, and then when you reach the cliff again, I'll take the cookie out of your hand and cut the bungie cord?
(5:24 PM) Kevin: Its complex
(5:24 PM) Kevin: but it might work
(5:24 PM) Ron: No - I will take a knife with me and cut your throat at the same time that I hand you the cookie
(5:24 PM) Ron: you won't be able to eat it
(5:24 PM) Ron: and we'll both die
(5:24 PM) Kevin: I'll eat the cookie but the pieces will fall out of my newly created neckhole

Ray of Light Playing in the Office

(4:55 PM) Kevin: This is actually what hell is like, I think
(4:55 PM) Kevin: working in an office where you have to listen to Madonna's Ray of Light
(4:55 PM) Kevin: working on shit you ABSOLUTELY don't care about
(4:55 PM) Kevin: With all of your co-workers hamming it up
(4:56 PM) Ron: yeah. . .
(4:56 PM) Kevin: Actually self-aware of the fact that they're in hell
(4:56 PM) Ron: ok ok
(4:56 PM) Kevin: Please.
(4:56 PM) Ron: suck a dong
(4:56 PM) Kevin: Just bust off in my face
(4:56 PM) Kevin: just make it a little worse for me
(4:56 PM) Kevin: because my life doesn't suck hard enough
(4:56 PM) Kevin: God.
(4:56 PM) Kevin: Ray of Light
(4:56 PM) Kevin: this is like the extended version or something. Its going on forever.
(4:56 PM) Ron: OK
(4:56 PM) Ron: you can
(4:56 PM) Ron: stop
(4:56 PM) Ron: now

Cookie

(2:21 PM) Kevin: can you get me a cookie please
(2:21 PM) Ron: no
(2:21 PM) Kevin: Why not
(2:21 PM) Ron: I don't want to
(2:21 PM) Ron: simple as that
(2:21 PM) Kevin: correction.
(2:21 PM) Kevin: Because you're a dick
(2:22 PM) Kevin: So keep the behavior under control
(2:22 PM) Ron: makes no sense
(2:22 PM) Kevin: I'm not asking you to join a whites only country club
(2:22 PM) Kevin: I'm asking you to get a god damned cookie
(2:24 PM) Ron: what does that have to do with anything?
(2:24 PM) Kevin: Look, I just think you're being unreasonable.
(2:24 PM) Ron: i don't want to get some shitty cookie
(2:24 PM) Kevin: Should I recount to you all the things I do for you on a daily basis?
(2:25 PM) Ron: go for it - this should funny
(2:25 PM) Kevin: 1.) I make jokes about having sex with our coworkers that make you laugh
(2:25 PM) Ron: ok
(2:25 PM) Kevin: 2.) I dont murder you
(2:25 PM) Ron: not something you do me
(2:25 PM) Ron: does not count
(2:25 PM) Kevin: Its something I do FOR you
(2:25 PM) Kevin: Spare your goddamn life
(2:26 PM) Kevin: 3.) Give you constant emotional support peppered with a bit of self-deprecating humor
(2:26 PM) Ron: "constant"
(2:26 PM) Ron: not sure I'm with that - "occasional - with assholery peppered in"
(2:27 PM) Kevin: That sounds like an organic ingredient you could pick up @ whole foods.
(2:27 PM) Kevin: I would like to get the chicken with organic assholery pepper
(2:27 PM) Ron: if this is about friendship and you want to test our friendship - I will get you a cookie
(2:27 PM) Ron: but I won't be happy about it
(2:27 PM) Ron: and you will then lose me as a friend
(2:27 PM) Ron: forever
(2:28 PM) Ron: is it worth it to you?
(2:29 PM) Kevin: So...You prove to me that you're a good friend and then you immediately stop being my friend?
(2:30 PM) Ron: YES
(2:30 PM) Ron: that's how it works kimosabe
(2:30 PM) Kevin: Do NOT call me that
(2:30 PM) Kevin: Punishment for racist colloquialism - cookie
(2:30 PM) Ron: that's how it works Native American Chief Little Feather

Pickle

(1:29 PM) Ron: do you want a pickle?
(1:42 PM) Kevin: No thx
(1:43 PM) Ron: it took u 15 minutes to decide?
(1:43 PM) Kevin: I had to seriously think about the question
(1:43 PM) Kevin: So back off

End of the Day

(5:58 PM) Kevin: GET FUCKED BY A FIST
(5:59 PM) Kevin: Get pimp slapped by a child in a wheelchair
(5:59 PM) Ron: that's hilarious
(6:00 PM) Kevin: Its something you need to do in order to get your life together
(6:00 PM) Ron: prob the funniest thing you've ever said
(6:00 PM) Ron: in a long line of unfunny shit
(6:00 PM) Kevin: I am a fecund torrent of pure hilarity
(6:00 PM) Kevin: So you need to get back, honky cat
(6:01 PM) Ron: I'm leaving

Valentine's Day

(5:34 PM) Ron:






















(5:35 PM) Kevin: I hate you so much
(5:35 PM) Ron: that photo is getting you back for whatever you've done or will do to me
(5:35 PM) Kevin: You know, so much went into getting that picture to us
(5:35 PM) Kevin: they had to do a photo shoot
(5:35 PM) Kevin: they hired models and photographers
(5:35 PM) Kevin: they had props
(5:36 PM) Kevin: they must have clicked off hundreds of images
(5:36 PM) Kevin: they had to touch it up to make sure the models looked "good"
(5:36 PM) Kevin: a photo editor had to approve it.
(5:36 PM) Kevin: and it's fucking HORRIBLE
(5:36 PM) Kevin: it's like the worst thing I've ever seen
(5:36 PM) Kevin: how could the world have done this to me
(5:36 PM) Ron: wrong
(5:37 PM) Ron: Valentine's Day Dos and Don'ts
(5:37 PM) Ron: being a woman is totally insane
(5:37 PM) Ron: all those magazines
(5:37 PM) Ron: list after list of bullshit, "What Dudes think about Pubic Hair"
(5:38 PM) Kevin: I love it
(5:39 PM) Kevin: I wish someone would shave some directly into my mouth
(5:39 PM) Ron: - Kevin, New York, NY
(5:39 PM) Kevin: Fucked up
(5:39 PM) Kevin: You ID'd me

Coughing Fits/Naming Kids

(12:22 PM) Ron: my roommate has guests - they are staying in his room and he is crashing in our spare room
(12:22 PM) Kevin: that kinda shit makes me stressed, I know where yr at.
(12:23 PM) Kevin: It's made mrore difficult by the fact that you guys are not close pals
(12:23 PM) Ron: the dude woke up this morning, went into the bathroom and dropped like 4 tremendously loud farts
(12:23 PM) Ron: and then was coughing crazy loud
(12:23 PM) Ron: blowing his nose like it was the end of the world
(12:23 PM) Kevin: I know that at the end of the world, I will be
blowing my nose, HARD
(12:23 PM) Ron: basically dude was dying from dysentery
(12:24 PM) Kevin: Man, that
(12:24 PM) Kevin: is
(12:24 PM) Kevin: deep
(12:24 PM) Ron: I was totally wondering what it would be like to start your day like that every day
(12:24 PM) Ron: he had just lost a battle with life
(12:24 PM) Kevin: Oh man, I used to have a roommate named Eugene Klingenburger
(12:24 PM) Ron: hate him already
(12:24 PM) Kevin: and he would make this hacking sound in the morning that was so fucking bad.
(12:24 PM) Kevin: I one day I like couldn't take it anymore so I started yelling at him.
(12:25 PM) Kevin: he comes stomping out of the bathroom, and he goes "DUDE, I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO BREATHE IF I DO NOT CLEAR MY THROAT OUT. DO YOU WANT ME TO CHOKE ON MY OWN PHLEGM AND DIE"
(12:26 PM) Ron: I imagine you said "yes"
(12:26 PM) Ron: b/c that's how I would have felt
(12:26 PM) Kevin: I said "If that's what it takes to keep that from happening"
(12:26 PM) Ron: classic
(12:26 PM) Ron: antagonism from 17 yos
(12:26 PM) Kevin: His middle name was Jupiter
(12:26 PM) Ron: fuck parents
(12:26 PM) Ron: they have no clue
(12:27 PM) Ron: they are like, "My child is named Brooklyn Wildflower Troublestep Jones"
(12:27 PM) Kevin: That's an amazing name
(12:27 PM) Kevin: Troublestep
(12:27 PM) Ron: seriously parents need to chill the fuck out with getting creative with names
(12:27 PM) Ron: go classic
(12:27 PM) Kevin: Naming my kid Triple Check Flip Johnson
(12:28 PM) Ron: Dumbie Whinerstern Blackman Jappy
(12:28 PM) Ron: the kid has to live with the crazy name
(12:28 PM) Kevin: Regicide Dumbledore Thelonious Fisk
(12:29 PM) Ron: Flower Crack Pavement Break Sunshine Twat
(12:30 PM) Kevin: Twat
(12:30 PM) Kevin: Slipmat Banana Corporeal Helmet Cline

Ron is Old/Amish Abuse

(12:31 PM) Ron: god - maybe someday I'll have a kid
(12:32 PM) Kevin: Oh you will have a kid
(12:32 PM) Kevin: it will look almost exactly like me
(12:32 PM) Ron: nightmare
(12:32 PM) Kevin: You are, after all, old enough to be my dad
(12:32 PM) Ron: I had sex when I was 9
(12:32 PM) Ron: and made a baby
(12:33 PM) Ron: I'm not even 9 years older than you gramps
(12:33 PM) Kevin: Correct
(12:33 PM) Kevin: you are 49 years older
(12:33 PM) Kevin: Born in the 20's and shit
(12:33 PM) Ron: god
(12:33 PM) Kevin: How was the gilded age?
(12:33 PM) Ron: get OVER it
(12:33 PM) Kevin: Did you pop a squat on Gatsby's lap?
(12:33 PM) Ron: get a colonic and sip a rice pill
(12:34 PM) Kevin: Did you do the Charleston with Marcel Duchamp or whatever
(12:34 PM) Ron: dumbest shit
(12:34 PM) Kevin: new genre - Historical Humor
(12:34 PM) Ron: an amish dude will explore your soul tonight with a claw hammer
(12:35 PM) Kevin: The Amish dude part makes it confusing
(12:35 PM) Kevin: yet intriguing
(12:36 PM) Kevin: Gonna raise a barn on yr ass
(12:37 PM) Ron: He's on his rumspringa
(12:37 PM) Ron: and likes to see people suffer

Reflections on Poop Jokes

(3:58 PM) Kevin: Updated R&K last night
(3:58 PM) Kevin: All the poop stuff from a couple days back
(3:59 PM) Ron: it is so out of control
(4:00 PM) Kevin: Janine called it "Pretty extreme"
(4:00 PM) Ron: its some deep, problematic stuff
(4:00 PM) Ron: we are getting raw
(4:02 PM) Ron: so out of control
(4:02 PM) Ron: I can't believe you posted that stuff
(4:02 PM) Ron: you come across as demented
(4:04 PM) Kevin: I come off as a funny dude
(4:05 PM) Ron: delusional

Poop Jokes 5

(11:58 AM) Kevin: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=peek_a_boo
(11:58 AM) Kevin: That's too insane
(11:59 AM) Ron: totally stupid
(12:00 PM) Ron: just added my "down" vote to it
(12:00 PM) Kevin: I think it's the best
(12:01 PM) Ron: well - that makes sense - you are always about ass raping and shit
(12:01 PM) Ron: that's your deal
(12:01 PM) Kevin: What the fuck
(12:01 PM) Kevin: I am not "all about ass raping." I think that's pretty severe
(12:01 PM) Ron: check the logs
(12:01 PM) Kevin: Is that how you'd introduce me at a party?
(12:02 PM) Ron: no. . .I would introduce you ass Kevin - and then within 15 minutes of convo - you'd say something about doo doo
(12:03 PM) Kevin: Talking about poop, which I think is hilarious and a GREAT conversation topic, as everyone, across all cultures craps at least 4 times a week, is a far fucking cry from "all about ass raping"
(12:05 PM) Kevin: (Don't make me ass rape you)

Poop Jokes 4

(5:07 PM) Kevin: I want to make love to you with my poop
(5:07 PM) Kevin: I am in the worst fucking mood
(5:08 PM) Kevin: this p0op humor is the only thing that's making it better
(5:08 PM) Kevin: I hope you can sympathize
(5:08 PM) Kevin: while I shitfuck you
(5:08 PM) Ron: I'm not sure I can sympathize but alright
(5:08 PM) Kevin: But you can empathize

Poop Jokes 3

(4:41 PM) Kevin: I was stoked yesterday when you played Joni Mithcell
(4:42 PM) Ron: yeah - I can deal with her now
(4:42 PM) Ron: I'm not emo about it
(4:42 PM) Kevin: Took a dump inside most of her orifii
(4:44 PM) Ron: wtf is wrong with you
(4:44 PM) Kevin: Fecal Freak
(4:45 PM) Kevin: Plain and Simple

Poop Jokes 2

(4:13 PM) Kevin: Is it modest mouse?
(4:13 PM) Kevin: Sounds like that Modest Mouse song
(4:13 PM) Ron: yes
(4:13 PM) Ron: it is
(4:13 PM) Kevin: Fuck M M
(4:13 PM) Ron: god get over yourself
(4:13 PM) Kevin: Gonna drape you in fine fecal garments
(4:14 PM) Ron: you are one IM from jettisoning our friendship
(4:14 PM) Kevin: You visualized me hate fucking Darnell earlier. Take a moment to prepare your dome for the dook party that's going to take place on your pate
(4:15 PM) Ron: you were the douche who suggested that you were going to hate fuck him
(4:15 PM) Ron: so get over yourself (again)
(4:15 PM) Kevin: This conversation barely coheres
(4:15 PM) Kevin: it doesn't make any sense at all
(4:15 PM) Kevin: it's just like unmitigated viciousness for no real reason
(4:15 PM) Kevin: (U gon' get shidded on)

Poop Jokes 1

(3:58 PM) Kevin: I want to get pooped on by you
(3:58 PM) Kevin: today or tonight
(3:58 PM) Kevin: for sexual gratification
(3:58 PM) Ron: you need to hold that thought
(3:59 PM) Ron: and then bury it out back
(3:59 PM) Kevin: NoooooooooooooooOOOOOOO
(4:04 PM) Ron: how mad are you right now
(4:04 PM) Kevin: It was weird that I wanted to poop on you, and then you send me a link to something called "FECAL FACE" a minute ago
(4:04 PM) Kevin: I thought it was gonna be some deep scat shit
(4:05 PM) Ron: yeah that was weird
(4:06 PM) Kevin: I wish it were pictures of your face glazed with poo drizzle
(4:07 PM) Ron: what the fuck
(4:07 PM) Ron: deal with yourself
(4:07 PM) Kevin: Incorrect
(4:07 PM) Kevin: i will be dealing with you from now on
(4:07 PM) Kevin: Hoping you can interface with my butthole sometime soon
(4:08 PM) Ron: too weird
(4:08 PM) Kevin: Wrong again (.com)
(4:08 PM) Kevin: Absolutely appropriate given the circumstances of our relationship

Proposal - Jimmies

(1:12 PM) Ron: what are you doing now
(1:12 PM) Kevin: Working on Proposal for new client
(1:12 PM) Ron: finally
(1:12 PM) Kevin: Working on my proposal to you
(1:12 PM) Kevin: Ron...
(1:13 PM) Kevin: we've loved each other for a long time
(1:13 PM) Kevin: so...
(1:13 PM) Kevin: will you...
(1:13 PM) Kevin: S my D
(1:13 PM) Ron: the answer is no
(1:13 PM) Kevin: Oh, I think you'll reconsider.
(1:13 PM) Kevin: I put Jimmies on it
(1:13 PM) Ron: offended by that
(1:13 PM) Ron: b/c I like ice cream with sprinkles
(1:13 PM) Kevin: It's nuts that fucking you east coasters call them jimmies
(1:13 PM) Kevin: I always hated sprinkles
(1:14 PM) Ron: I call them sprinkle - always
(1:14 PM) Kevin: I never understood the point
(1:14 PM) Ron: I get them when I get softserve
(1:14 PM) Ron: textural challenge
(1:14 PM) Ron: philosophical inquiry
(1:14 PM) Ron: into the nature of sugar processing
(1:14 PM) Kevin: Yr making me laugh
(1:15 PM) Ron: you are you gonna get a load of bricks dropped on your dome

What the Fuck?

(10:12 AM) Kevin: G'morning, krinkle cut
(10:12 AM) Ron: hideyho
(10:13 AM) Ron: gonna make gin rummy with your face
(10:13 AM) Kevin: Don't blame you
(10:13 AM) Kevin: shitting everywhere from food poop

Dead Floyd Member

(5:47 PM) Kevin: Another floyd member died
(5:47 PM) Ron: which one?!
(5:47 PM) Kevin: Keyboard player
(5:47 PM) Kevin: no one important
(5:47 PM) Kevin: rick wright
(5:48 PM) Ron: how did he die
(5:48 PM) Kevin: Choked during a cock eating festival
(5:48 PM) Kevin: cancer
(5:49 PM) Kevin: caused by carcinogens related to dick eating

Lunch

(12:29 PM) Ron: what are you buying me for lunch
(12:30 PM) Ron: i want to fight the world
(12:30 PM) Kevin: Chamomile dicktea
(12:30 PM) Ron: wrestle the world onto the floor in a headlock and then punch it in the face 100 times
(12:30 PM) Ron: then have some lunch
(12:30 PM) Kevin: I want to masturbate a llama and fucking beat off a giraffe
(12:30 PM) Kevin: and then make lunch with it.
(12:30 PM) Ron: not gross enough
(12:31 PM) Ron: that's a pussy IM

New York Post and Daily News

(1:47 PM) Ron: NY post and NY Daily News are so much more fun to read then the NYT
(1:48 PM) Kevin: Bein' straight up here...
(1:48 PM) Kevin: you're part of the problem, not part of the solution
(1:48 PM) Ron: My solution is to put you out to pasture
(1:48 PM) Ron: and have an 8 foot tall wrestler milk you until you collapse
(1:49 PM) Kevin: Well, don't mean to burst your bubble, but part of my fear of the apocalypse is to train for just such an eventuality
(1:50 PM) Kevin: So I think I'll withstand a lot more milking than your wrestler is prepared to administer
(1:50 PM) Ron: Oh he's prepared

Cats

(1:43 PM) Ron: Katy Perry is going celibate for a year
(1:43 PM) Kevin: why
(1:43 PM) Ron: "I've actually taken a vow of celibacy this year," the 24-year-old Grammy nominee tells TV Guide. "No kissing anyone. Just my cat, Kitty Purry."
(1:44 PM) Ron: b/c he cat drove her insne
(1:44 PM) Ron: insane
(1:44 PM) Ron: like yours did to you
(1:44 PM) Kevin: I would let my cat shit in my mouth, if it could form words and asked me to do so
(1:45 PM) Ron: You have finally crossed the final line
(1:45 PM) Ron: it is the final conflict now
(1:45 PM) Kevin: The end game
(1:45 PM) Kevin: there's a line in revelations about a hebrew who wants his cat to shit in his mouth
(1:45 PM) Ron: fuck you
(1:45 PM) Ron: you've gone farther
(1:45 PM) Kevin: WTF?
(1:45 PM) Kevin: Fuck you, motherfucker
(1:46 PM) Kevin: I'm just taking it as far as it needs to go
(1:46 PM) Kevin: Things are tough all the fuck over
(1:46 PM) Kevin: doesn't make you special just cuz you fart gold coins
(1:46 PM) Ron: Be Extra Special Careful (with your balls)
(1:47 PM) Kevin: Unsure as to how this pertains to the matter at hand - my cat WILL shit in my mouth

How Mad Am I?

(1:33 PM) Ron: scale of 1 - 10 - how mad am I?
(1:33 PM) Kevin: I dont give a shit
(1:33 PM) Kevin: 8?
(1:33 PM) Ron: you just bumped it up to 10 with that comment
(1:39 PM) Kevin: you just burped up to death with that comment
(1:39 PM) Ron: gonna drown you like a bad puppy

End of Civilization Again

(12:17 PM) Ron: did you get your New Yorker yet?
(12:18 PM) Kevin: yeah
(12:18 PM) Ron: did you read the article about the people who are predicting the collapse of civilization?
(12:18 PM) Kevin: I started it.
(12:18 PM) Kevin: Janine has warned me not to read it.
(12:18 PM) Ron: Yeah - prob not for you
(12:18 PM) Kevin: Im gonna read it
(12:19 PM) Kevin: I read the opening stanza
(12:19 PM) Kevin: I think it's smart as fuck to live on a boat with a 6 month supply of food.
(12:32 PM) Ron: you will have a 6 month supply of dog food
(12:32 PM) Kevin: Pissed @ you
(12:32 PM) Kevin: you are so fucking racist
(12:32 PM) Kevin: it's unbelievable
(12:33 PM) Ron: time to break dance on your dome
(12:38 PM) Ron: gonna break an ice cream cone on your eye

Kevin and His Friends

(5:30 PM) Ron:














(5:30 PM) Ron: this is a photo of you and your friends in exactly 5 months
(5:33 PM) Kevin: You are my friend
(5:33 PM) Kevin: so it's apic of us
(5:33 PM) Ron: I won't be at that point
(5:34 PM) Ron: sorry
(5:34 PM) Kevin: Sorry to hear that you're incorrecty
(5:34 PM) Kevin: Incorrecty is your superhero name
(5:34 PM) Kevin: you have a super ability to be wrong
(5:34 PM) Ron: already you are writing with a glam twist
(5:34 PM) Ron: hoops make an appearance next thursday
(5:34 PM) Ron: eyebrows are gone by monday of next week
(5:34 PM) Ron: and then the lips get cranked up within the month

Steve Jobs

(1:02 PM) Ron: interesting stuff about the health of steve jobs
(1:02 PM) Kevin: I have to say that it makes no diff. to my life whether that dude lives or dues
(1:03 PM) Kevin: dies
(1:03 PM) Ron: whether he lives or pays you dues
(1:03 PM) Ron: to the Kevin J. Kleinschmidt love a child Foundation
(1:04 PM) Kevin: Kevin Kleinschmidt Boner Concern
(1:04 PM) Ron: "Steve Jobs needs to pay me some dues or die - but I don't actually give a shit which." - K. J. Kleinschmidt, CEO of Dick Face Industries
(1:05 PM) Kevin: "Kevin Kleinschmidt needs to quit giving me cancer or whatever" - Steve Jobs

Shirley Hemphill

(2:00 PM) Kevin: Whenever you make me mad
(2:00 PM) Kevin: This is what I do in my head
(2:00 PM) Kevin:
















(2:00 PM) Ron: that's so amazing
(2:00 PM) Ron: life is wonderful

Romper Room

(12:21 PM) Ron: most annoying toy ever invented aside from My Pretty Pony
(12:21 PM) Kevin: it's My Little Pony
(12:21 PM) Kevin: you dick sniffer
(12:21 PM) Ron: OLD SCHOOL! http://mylittleponycollector.com/info3/my_pretty_pony.htm
(12:22 PM) Kevin: MY Pretty Pony was first produced by Romper Room
(12:22 PM) Kevin: can there be any worse a name for a company
(12:22 PM) Kevin: romper room
(12:22 PM) Kevin: it sounds like a place where unspeakable things happen
(12:22 PM) Ron: you are starting to step on cherished childhood memories
(12:22 PM) Kevin: Come into my romper room
(12:22 PM) Ron: you need to back off
(12:22 PM) Kevin: now remove your pants
(12:23 PM) Kevin: I just want to do a little romping
(12:23 PM) Ron: I never took off my pants in romper room EVER
(12:23 PM) Kevin: Maybe you did and just surpressed the memory
(12:23 PM) Kevin: surpress
(12:23 PM) Kevin: surprise!
(12:23 PM) Ron: I know what I did in romper room
(12:23 PM) Ron: I beat down your baby ass
(12:23 PM) Kevin: You were like 35 and I was 2 or 3
(12:24 PM) Kevin: and you were there with a pabst in your hand
(12:24 PM) Kevin: just punching away
(12:24 PM) Kevin: not exactly a far fight.
(12:24 PM) Ron: using your head as a can crusher

Sitcom Idea

(1:31 PM) Ron: From the creative team that brought you the durty version, tango and cash and the I'm Lovin' It song comes a new sitcom about life on the run from penis snatchers
(1:31 PM) Kevin: Whoa
(1:31 PM) Kevin: Penis snatchers threw me a bit
(1:33 PM) Ron: Set in Kenya, two brothers caught up in their country's obsession with shrinking dinks, attempt to “proteck they l'il necks” from anything and everything, even a gaggle of morally bankrupt sorority girls. Starring Kenny Loggins as “The Guy with Leather”
(1:33 PM) Kevin: As a concept, this show is very stressful
(1:34 PM) Ron: BUT YOU WOULD WATCH IT RIGHT?!
(1:34 PM) Kevin: I have already reserved the DVDs
(1:34 PM) Ron: I think I could come up with a bunch of shows
(1:35 PM) Ron: make them, sell them, get rich and then end up in at the bottom of a rock quarry in New Hampshire

Backup

(11:32 AM) Kevin: JKJK Industries is now backing up 2 Terabytes of data
(11:33 AM) Ron: 1.8TB of it is pornography
(11:33 AM) Kevin: we make $3,816 in pure profit off of them a month
(11:33 AM) Kevin: and rising
(11:33 AM) Kevin: sharply
(11:34 AM) Ron: pure unadulterated profit. . .a golden shower of ripe money stew
(11:34 AM) Kevin: A warm cockspew of white, sticky cash
(11:34 AM) Ron: you crossed the line

Bambi Haggins

(11:29 AM) Kevin: your new name is Bambi Haggins
(11:30 AM) Ron: what the fuck
(11:30 AM) Kevin: It's bilbo baggins' brother
(11:30 AM) Kevin: sister, I guess
(11:31 AM) Ron: no
(11:31 AM) Ron: that's not correct
(11:31 AM) Ron: he doesn't have a sister
(11:31 AM) Kevin: Don't test me, Bambi

Kevin's Middle Name

(10:14 AM) Kevin: Kevin James Terebelo Kleinschmidt
(10:14 AM) Ron: really?
(10:14 AM) Kevin: Yes
(10:14 AM) Ron: terebelo
(10:14 AM) Ron: what is that
(10:14 AM) Kevin: Old family name
(10:14 AM) Ron: means?
(10:14 AM) Ron: clown fart
(10:14 AM) Kevin: Laughing at that
(10:14 AM) Kevin: I assume it means beautiful land or beautiful earth
(10:14 AM) Kevin: terra bello
(10:14 AM) Kevin: Story goes that there when my family showed up on Ellis Island, there was this dude, terebelo, who was being turned away.
(10:14 AM) Kevin: and so they said “This guy is a member of our family”
(10:14 AM) Kevin: and he got into the country
(10:14 AM) Kevin: and lived with the Kleinschmidts and married into the fam.
(10:14 AM) Ron: that's deep
(10:14 AM) Ron: and he was also a clown
(10:14 AM) Kevin: who did a farting routine
(10:14 AM) Ron: and had this great (forgotten) joke about farts
(10:14 AM) Ron: something about a priest and a whore

Ron Makes the Funniest Joke In History

(3:30 PM) Ron: you know what would be really intense
(3:31 PM) Ron: if you farted once in an elevator and it sounded like your ass said something
(3:31 PM) Ron: like, "hello"

Christina Hendricks Vs. Amy Adams

(9:57 AM) Kevin: I have a new crush in lif
(9:57 AM) Kevin: e
(9:57 AM) Ron: on?
(9:58 AM) Kevin: actress christina hendricks
(9:58 AM) Ron: waaaa.>?
(9:58 AM) Ron: I don't crush on her
(9:58 AM) Ron: but my girl was in that Movie Doubt
(9:59 AM) Kevin: Amy Adams?
(10:01 AM) Ron: yes
(10:01 AM) Ron: she is my jam
(10:02 AM) Kevin: Christina Hendricks is better
(10:02 AM) Kevin: She's a total sexpot
(10:02 AM) Kevin: And I would like to see what's cookin' in that pot
(10:02 AM) Kevin: I would like to smell what the rock is cookin'