Truffle Oil

(5:28 PM) Kevin: There's a pizza place between n. 6th and n7th
(5:29 PM) Kevin: it has pizza with truffle oil
(5:29 PM) Kevin: it's magical
(5:29 PM) Ron: the art and science of pizza? that place?
(5:29 PM) Kevin: truffles are like my favorite food in the universe
(5:29 PM) Ron: that I did not know
(5:29 PM) Kevin: I'd fuck a prostitute with chlamidiya to get a truffle in my mouth
(5:29 PM) Ron: that's basically your coming out statement

Grimace

(1:15 PM) Kevin: God
(1:15 PM) Kevin: Flip is such a clown
(1:15 PM) Ron: what now
(1:15 PM) Kevin: Look at his outfit
(1:16 PM) Ron: purple t-shirt and jeans
(1:16 PM) Ron: yeah - he looks like an idiot
(1:16 PM) Ron: but this office doesn't give a shit
(1:19 PM) Kevin: he's dressed like Grimace from McDonalds
(1:19 PM) Kevin:
(1:20 PM) Ron: I would like you to walk up to Flip with a pasted on smile and pretend that he's grimace and hug him
(1:20 PM) Ron: I'm afraid you'd do it
(1:20 PM) Kevin: you should be
(1:22 PM) Ron: would you do it for $100?
(1:22 PM) Kevin: yes
(1:22 PM) Ron: I don't believe you
(1:22 PM) Kevin: That was the number I was thinking of, actually
(1:22 PM) Kevin: do you want to shake on this
(1:22 PM) Ron: you couldn't tell him that you'd been paid to do it
(1:22 PM) Ron: you couldn't explain it in anyway
(1:22 PM) Kevin: Im fine with that
(1:22 PM) Ron: I'm not going to pay you for that
(1:23 PM) Kevin: Im calling yr bluff here
(1:23 PM) Ron: its too fucked up
(1:23 PM) Kevin: and yr pussing out
(1:23 PM) Ron: it would be too fucked
(1:24 PM) Ron: you would have to hug him and call him grimace
(1:24 PM) Kevin: I'd even go up to a brah and say "ano ka ba talaga, grimace?!"

Suicide vs. Slit Throat vs. Cookie

(5:23 PM) Ron: might wanna jump off a cliff
(5:24 PM) Kevin: can you bungie off a cliff over a cookie salesman, grab a cookie, and then when you reach the cliff again, I'll take the cookie out of your hand and cut the bungie cord?
(5:24 PM) Kevin: Its complex
(5:24 PM) Kevin: but it might work
(5:24 PM) Ron: No - I will take a knife with me and cut your throat at the same time that I hand you the cookie
(5:24 PM) Ron: you won't be able to eat it
(5:24 PM) Ron: and we'll both die
(5:24 PM) Kevin: I'll eat the cookie but the pieces will fall out of my newly created neckhole

Ray of Light Playing in the Office

(4:55 PM) Kevin: This is actually what hell is like, I think
(4:55 PM) Kevin: working in an office where you have to listen to Madonna's Ray of Light
(4:55 PM) Kevin: working on shit you ABSOLUTELY don't care about
(4:55 PM) Kevin: With all of your co-workers hamming it up
(4:56 PM) Ron: yeah. . .
(4:56 PM) Kevin: Actually self-aware of the fact that they're in hell
(4:56 PM) Ron: ok ok
(4:56 PM) Kevin: Please.
(4:56 PM) Ron: suck a dong
(4:56 PM) Kevin: Just bust off in my face
(4:56 PM) Kevin: just make it a little worse for me
(4:56 PM) Kevin: because my life doesn't suck hard enough
(4:56 PM) Kevin: God.
(4:56 PM) Kevin: Ray of Light
(4:56 PM) Kevin: this is like the extended version or something. Its going on forever.
(4:56 PM) Ron: OK
(4:56 PM) Ron: you can
(4:56 PM) Ron: stop
(4:56 PM) Ron: now

Cookie

(2:21 PM) Kevin: can you get me a cookie please
(2:21 PM) Ron: no
(2:21 PM) Kevin: Why not
(2:21 PM) Ron: I don't want to
(2:21 PM) Ron: simple as that
(2:21 PM) Kevin: correction.
(2:21 PM) Kevin: Because you're a dick
(2:22 PM) Kevin: So keep the behavior under control
(2:22 PM) Ron: makes no sense
(2:22 PM) Kevin: I'm not asking you to join a whites only country club
(2:22 PM) Kevin: I'm asking you to get a god damned cookie
(2:24 PM) Ron: what does that have to do with anything?
(2:24 PM) Kevin: Look, I just think you're being unreasonable.
(2:24 PM) Ron: i don't want to get some shitty cookie
(2:24 PM) Kevin: Should I recount to you all the things I do for you on a daily basis?
(2:25 PM) Ron: go for it - this should funny
(2:25 PM) Kevin: 1.) I make jokes about having sex with our coworkers that make you laugh
(2:25 PM) Ron: ok
(2:25 PM) Kevin: 2.) I dont murder you
(2:25 PM) Ron: not something you do me
(2:25 PM) Ron: does not count
(2:25 PM) Kevin: Its something I do FOR you
(2:25 PM) Kevin: Spare your goddamn life
(2:26 PM) Kevin: 3.) Give you constant emotional support peppered with a bit of self-deprecating humor
(2:26 PM) Ron: "constant"
(2:26 PM) Ron: not sure I'm with that - "occasional - with assholery peppered in"
(2:27 PM) Kevin: That sounds like an organic ingredient you could pick up @ whole foods.
(2:27 PM) Kevin: I would like to get the chicken with organic assholery pepper
(2:27 PM) Ron: if this is about friendship and you want to test our friendship - I will get you a cookie
(2:27 PM) Ron: but I won't be happy about it
(2:27 PM) Ron: and you will then lose me as a friend
(2:27 PM) Ron: forever
(2:28 PM) Ron: is it worth it to you?
(2:29 PM) Kevin: So...You prove to me that you're a good friend and then you immediately stop being my friend?
(2:30 PM) Ron: YES
(2:30 PM) Ron: that's how it works kimosabe
(2:30 PM) Kevin: Do NOT call me that
(2:30 PM) Kevin: Punishment for racist colloquialism - cookie
(2:30 PM) Ron: that's how it works Native American Chief Little Feather

Pickle

(1:29 PM) Ron: do you want a pickle?
(1:42 PM) Kevin: No thx
(1:43 PM) Ron: it took u 15 minutes to decide?
(1:43 PM) Kevin: I had to seriously think about the question
(1:43 PM) Kevin: So back off