Lunch

(1:50 PM) Kevin: That lunch was a fucking awesome jam
(1:50 PM) Kevin: It was a salad that tasted like a banh mi
(1:50 PM) Kevin: I want to fuck the lunch I just ate
(1:50 PM) Ron: I can't deal with it
(1:50 PM) Kevin: can't deal with what?
(1:50 PM) Ron: you need to find a hospital and check your fucked up crazy ass into it
(1:51 PM) Ron: and then get a lobotomy
(1:51 PM) Kevin: this is the first time I've sent you an IM that didn't say "I want to die" in like 3 years
(1:51 PM) Kevin: isn't that enough for you?

Crapping at Work

(4:57 PM) Kevin: Do you know about my deal with crapping @ work?
(4:57 PM) Kevin: I hate it
(4:57 PM) Kevin: and I wont do it
(4:58 PM) Ron: did not know that
(4:58 PM) Ron: I'm always dropping a deuce
(5:01 PM) Kevin: Jealous
(5:01 PM) Ron: why is a trouble? you feel exposed? (by my web cam in both bathrooms?)
(5:02 PM) Kevin: that's a small part of it
(5:07 PM) Ron: the large part of it is that Darnell gets turned on when you go into the bathroom
(5:07 PM) Ron: so fucked
(5:08 PM) Kevin: Darnell is sexually attracted to my turds
(5:08 PM) Kevin: accidentally sent that IM to him like 50-60 times

The Rap Battle

(5:06 PM) Ron: now I'm stressed about the date
(5:06 PM) Kevin: yr gonna have so much fun
(5:06 PM) Kevin: beautiful night out
(5:06 PM) Kevin: gonna get a back rub
(5:06 PM) Kevin: neck punch
(5:06 PM) Kevin: gonna have a blast
(5:06 PM) Kevin: gonna get capped in the ass
(5:06 PM) Kevin: gonna die fast
(5:22 PM) Kevin: Take a nap
(5:22 PM) Kevin: in my lap
(5:23 PM) Ron: rappity happidy
(5:23 PM) Ron: Freestyle rappin's gonna be
(5:23 PM) Ron: a really fun thing you can do for free
(5:24 PM) Ron: Find a hip beat and a piece of linoleum
(5:24 PM) Ron: Dance all night to the sounds of petroleum
(5:24 PM) Ron: jelly
(5:24 PM) Kevin: Petrol. Jelly Doesn't make a sound
(5:24 PM) Kevin: but I will drop upon you the freshest rhymes around
(5:25 PM) Kevin: sit back while I astound
(5:25 PM) Kevin: and turn your pants brown
(5:25 PM) Kevin: with an upside down frown
(5:25 PM) Kevin: what the fuck's linoleum got to do with rap
(5:25 PM) Kevin: cuz if you step you'll get yr teeth capped
(5:25 PM) Kevin: after you get brutal slapped
(5:25 PM) Kevin: and violently rapped
(5:25 PM) Kevin: I mean raped
(5:25 PM) Kevin: no escape
(5:25 PM) Kevin: While I hate
(5:26 PM) Kevin: upon the deepest parts of a hairless ape
(5:37 PM) Kevin: Remember when we were battle rhyming and i schooled you
(5:43 PM) Ron: no
(5:43 PM) Ron: never happened

Tête-à-Tête

(2:32 PM) Kevin: the guys who run the pirate bay are going to jail
(2:33 PM) Kevin: and getting fined 4 million dollars
(2:33 PM) Ron: you will join them
(2:35 PM) Ron: i understand that they made a spectacle of the court case
(2:37 PM) Ron: no wonder they had the book thrown at them
(2:37 PM) Kevin: They thought it was a kangaroo court
(2:37 PM) Kevin: and acted accordingly
(2:37 PM) Ron: that's bullshit
(2:37 PM) Kevin: I'm not saying they're right
(2:37 PM) Ron: yeah
(2:37 PM) Kevin: I'm saying that's what they thought
(2:37 PM) Kevin: a rice pill is in order
(2:38 PM) Ron: well I'm saying we're about to have a little tete a tete
(2:38 PM) Ron: in which my tete (FIST) will do some talking with your tete
(2:38 PM) Kevin: I'm gonna bust off all over yr tetes
(2:50 PM) Ron: your balls, rusty vice, turn slowly until bursting
(2:50 PM) Kevin: Did that last night. Made a video, showed your parents

Forgetting

(2:43 PM) Kevin: I've been forgetting things lately in a way I never used to
(2:44 PM) Kevin: the other day I couldn't remember the name of the guy who played Freddy Kruegger
(2:44 PM) Kevin: I was like wigging out
(2:44 PM) Kevin: That's the kind of shit people rely on me for
(2:44 PM) Ron: chickens are coming home to roost
(2:45 PM) Kevin: That's so fucked up
(2:45 PM) Ron: you make so much fun of me for my memory
(2:45 PM) Kevin: At least I still remember my first name, how to put on pants
(2:45 PM) Kevin: more than yr forgetful ass can say
(2:45 PM) Ron: OWNED
(2:45 PM) Kevin: I saw you piss yourself earlier
(2:45 PM) Kevin: Carmine had to wash you off in the restroom
(2:45 PM) Ron: you need to be careful dude
(2:45 PM) Kevin: luckily your mom sends you to work with a change of pants
(2:46 PM) Ron: this is all stuff that's gonna happen to your lazy trifling ass
(2:46 PM) Kevin: its hilarious to me that you said trifling

ER

(1:39 PM) Ron: have you ever watched ER?
(1:39 PM) Kevin: no
(1:39 PM) Ron: so you missed my guest appearance - "Man with Goiter"
(1:40 PM) Kevin: Oh, I've appeared on it numerous times. I was "Binky the Goat Baby" in seasons 3 and 4. I just don't like to watch my own work.

Poetry

(10:39 AM) Kevin: no poem has ever touched me in any way
(10:39 AM) Ron: OK - your loss
(10:39 AM) Kevin: except like shel silverstein
(10:39 AM) Ron: yeah
(10:39 AM) Ron: well there are poets for you
(10:39 AM) Ron: out there
(10:39 AM) Kevin: Shel Silverstein and Sam Kinnison
(10:40 AM) Ron:
Dickie milkshake
Bottom gunny sack
great Sperm count dude
Gonna punchie yer FAYCE
Lighten UP
babie I'm in luv with U
(10:40 AM) Kevin: Great sperm count dude
(10:41 AM) Kevin: best one
(10:41 AM) Kevin: best fucking shit ever
(10:41 AM) Ron: see?
(10:41 AM) Ron: there's poetry out there for you
(10:41 AM) Kevin: that poem moved me
(10:41 AM) Kevin: (to murder)