Proposal - Jimmies

(1:12 PM) Ron: what are you doing now
(1:12 PM) Kevin: Working on Proposal for new client
(1:12 PM) Ron: finally
(1:12 PM) Kevin: Working on my proposal to you
(1:12 PM) Kevin: Ron...
(1:13 PM) Kevin: we've loved each other for a long time
(1:13 PM) Kevin: so...
(1:13 PM) Kevin: will you...
(1:13 PM) Kevin: S my D
(1:13 PM) Ron: the answer is no
(1:13 PM) Kevin: Oh, I think you'll reconsider.
(1:13 PM) Kevin: I put Jimmies on it
(1:13 PM) Ron: offended by that
(1:13 PM) Ron: b/c I like ice cream with sprinkles
(1:13 PM) Kevin: It's nuts that fucking you east coasters call them jimmies
(1:13 PM) Kevin: I always hated sprinkles
(1:14 PM) Ron: I call them sprinkle - always
(1:14 PM) Kevin: I never understood the point
(1:14 PM) Ron: I get them when I get softserve
(1:14 PM) Ron: textural challenge
(1:14 PM) Ron: philosophical inquiry
(1:14 PM) Ron: into the nature of sugar processing
(1:14 PM) Kevin: Yr making me laugh
(1:15 PM) Ron: you are you gonna get a load of bricks dropped on your dome

What the Fuck?

(10:12 AM) Kevin: G'morning, krinkle cut
(10:12 AM) Ron: hideyho
(10:13 AM) Ron: gonna make gin rummy with your face
(10:13 AM) Kevin: Don't blame you
(10:13 AM) Kevin: shitting everywhere from food poop

Dead Floyd Member

(5:47 PM) Kevin: Another floyd member died
(5:47 PM) Ron: which one?!
(5:47 PM) Kevin: Keyboard player
(5:47 PM) Kevin: no one important
(5:47 PM) Kevin: rick wright
(5:48 PM) Ron: how did he die
(5:48 PM) Kevin: Choked during a cock eating festival
(5:48 PM) Kevin: cancer
(5:49 PM) Kevin: caused by carcinogens related to dick eating

Lunch

(12:29 PM) Ron: what are you buying me for lunch
(12:30 PM) Ron: i want to fight the world
(12:30 PM) Kevin: Chamomile dicktea
(12:30 PM) Ron: wrestle the world onto the floor in a headlock and then punch it in the face 100 times
(12:30 PM) Ron: then have some lunch
(12:30 PM) Kevin: I want to masturbate a llama and fucking beat off a giraffe
(12:30 PM) Kevin: and then make lunch with it.
(12:30 PM) Ron: not gross enough
(12:31 PM) Ron: that's a pussy IM

New York Post and Daily News

(1:47 PM) Ron: NY post and NY Daily News are so much more fun to read then the NYT
(1:48 PM) Kevin: Bein' straight up here...
(1:48 PM) Kevin: you're part of the problem, not part of the solution
(1:48 PM) Ron: My solution is to put you out to pasture
(1:48 PM) Ron: and have an 8 foot tall wrestler milk you until you collapse
(1:49 PM) Kevin: Well, don't mean to burst your bubble, but part of my fear of the apocalypse is to train for just such an eventuality
(1:50 PM) Kevin: So I think I'll withstand a lot more milking than your wrestler is prepared to administer
(1:50 PM) Ron: Oh he's prepared

Cats

(1:43 PM) Ron: Katy Perry is going celibate for a year
(1:43 PM) Kevin: why
(1:43 PM) Ron: "I've actually taken a vow of celibacy this year," the 24-year-old Grammy nominee tells TV Guide. "No kissing anyone. Just my cat, Kitty Purry."
(1:44 PM) Ron: b/c he cat drove her insne
(1:44 PM) Ron: insane
(1:44 PM) Ron: like yours did to you
(1:44 PM) Kevin: I would let my cat shit in my mouth, if it could form words and asked me to do so
(1:45 PM) Ron: You have finally crossed the final line
(1:45 PM) Ron: it is the final conflict now
(1:45 PM) Kevin: The end game
(1:45 PM) Kevin: there's a line in revelations about a hebrew who wants his cat to shit in his mouth
(1:45 PM) Ron: fuck you
(1:45 PM) Ron: you've gone farther
(1:45 PM) Kevin: WTF?
(1:45 PM) Kevin: Fuck you, motherfucker
(1:46 PM) Kevin: I'm just taking it as far as it needs to go
(1:46 PM) Kevin: Things are tough all the fuck over
(1:46 PM) Kevin: doesn't make you special just cuz you fart gold coins
(1:46 PM) Ron: Be Extra Special Careful (with your balls)
(1:47 PM) Kevin: Unsure as to how this pertains to the matter at hand - my cat WILL shit in my mouth

How Mad Am I?

(1:33 PM) Ron: scale of 1 - 10 - how mad am I?
(1:33 PM) Kevin: I dont give a shit
(1:33 PM) Kevin: 8?
(1:33 PM) Ron: you just bumped it up to 10 with that comment
(1:39 PM) Kevin: you just burped up to death with that comment
(1:39 PM) Ron: gonna drown you like a bad puppy

End of Civilization Again

(12:17 PM) Ron: did you get your New Yorker yet?
(12:18 PM) Kevin: yeah
(12:18 PM) Ron: did you read the article about the people who are predicting the collapse of civilization?
(12:18 PM) Kevin: I started it.
(12:18 PM) Kevin: Janine has warned me not to read it.
(12:18 PM) Ron: Yeah - prob not for you
(12:18 PM) Kevin: Im gonna read it
(12:19 PM) Kevin: I read the opening stanza
(12:19 PM) Kevin: I think it's smart as fuck to live on a boat with a 6 month supply of food.
(12:32 PM) Ron: you will have a 6 month supply of dog food
(12:32 PM) Kevin: Pissed @ you
(12:32 PM) Kevin: you are so fucking racist
(12:32 PM) Kevin: it's unbelievable
(12:33 PM) Ron: time to break dance on your dome
(12:38 PM) Ron: gonna break an ice cream cone on your eye

Kevin and His Friends

(5:30 PM) Ron:














(5:30 PM) Ron: this is a photo of you and your friends in exactly 5 months
(5:33 PM) Kevin: You are my friend
(5:33 PM) Kevin: so it's apic of us
(5:33 PM) Ron: I won't be at that point
(5:34 PM) Ron: sorry
(5:34 PM) Kevin: Sorry to hear that you're incorrecty
(5:34 PM) Kevin: Incorrecty is your superhero name
(5:34 PM) Kevin: you have a super ability to be wrong
(5:34 PM) Ron: already you are writing with a glam twist
(5:34 PM) Ron: hoops make an appearance next thursday
(5:34 PM) Ron: eyebrows are gone by monday of next week
(5:34 PM) Ron: and then the lips get cranked up within the month

Steve Jobs

(1:02 PM) Ron: interesting stuff about the health of steve jobs
(1:02 PM) Kevin: I have to say that it makes no diff. to my life whether that dude lives or dues
(1:03 PM) Kevin: dies
(1:03 PM) Ron: whether he lives or pays you dues
(1:03 PM) Ron: to the Kevin J. Kleinschmidt love a child Foundation
(1:04 PM) Kevin: Kevin Kleinschmidt Boner Concern
(1:04 PM) Ron: "Steve Jobs needs to pay me some dues or die - but I don't actually give a shit which." - K. J. Kleinschmidt, CEO of Dick Face Industries
(1:05 PM) Kevin: "Kevin Kleinschmidt needs to quit giving me cancer or whatever" - Steve Jobs

Shirley Hemphill

(2:00 PM) Kevin: Whenever you make me mad
(2:00 PM) Kevin: This is what I do in my head
(2:00 PM) Kevin:
















(2:00 PM) Ron: that's so amazing
(2:00 PM) Ron: life is wonderful

Romper Room

(12:21 PM) Ron: most annoying toy ever invented aside from My Pretty Pony
(12:21 PM) Kevin: it's My Little Pony
(12:21 PM) Kevin: you dick sniffer
(12:21 PM) Ron: OLD SCHOOL! http://mylittleponycollector.com/info3/my_pretty_pony.htm
(12:22 PM) Kevin: MY Pretty Pony was first produced by Romper Room
(12:22 PM) Kevin: can there be any worse a name for a company
(12:22 PM) Kevin: romper room
(12:22 PM) Kevin: it sounds like a place where unspeakable things happen
(12:22 PM) Ron: you are starting to step on cherished childhood memories
(12:22 PM) Kevin: Come into my romper room
(12:22 PM) Ron: you need to back off
(12:22 PM) Kevin: now remove your pants
(12:23 PM) Kevin: I just want to do a little romping
(12:23 PM) Ron: I never took off my pants in romper room EVER
(12:23 PM) Kevin: Maybe you did and just surpressed the memory
(12:23 PM) Kevin: surpress
(12:23 PM) Kevin: surprise!
(12:23 PM) Ron: I know what I did in romper room
(12:23 PM) Ron: I beat down your baby ass
(12:23 PM) Kevin: You were like 35 and I was 2 or 3
(12:24 PM) Kevin: and you were there with a pabst in your hand
(12:24 PM) Kevin: just punching away
(12:24 PM) Kevin: not exactly a far fight.
(12:24 PM) Ron: using your head as a can crusher

Sitcom Idea

(1:31 PM) Ron: From the creative team that brought you the durty version, tango and cash and the I'm Lovin' It song comes a new sitcom about life on the run from penis snatchers
(1:31 PM) Kevin: Whoa
(1:31 PM) Kevin: Penis snatchers threw me a bit
(1:33 PM) Ron: Set in Kenya, two brothers caught up in their country's obsession with shrinking dinks, attempt to “proteck they l'il necks” from anything and everything, even a gaggle of morally bankrupt sorority girls. Starring Kenny Loggins as “The Guy with Leather”
(1:33 PM) Kevin: As a concept, this show is very stressful
(1:34 PM) Ron: BUT YOU WOULD WATCH IT RIGHT?!
(1:34 PM) Kevin: I have already reserved the DVDs
(1:34 PM) Ron: I think I could come up with a bunch of shows
(1:35 PM) Ron: make them, sell them, get rich and then end up in at the bottom of a rock quarry in New Hampshire

Backup

(11:32 AM) Kevin: JKJK Industries is now backing up 2 Terabytes of data
(11:33 AM) Ron: 1.8TB of it is pornography
(11:33 AM) Kevin: we make $3,816 in pure profit off of them a month
(11:33 AM) Kevin: and rising
(11:33 AM) Kevin: sharply
(11:34 AM) Ron: pure unadulterated profit. . .a golden shower of ripe money stew
(11:34 AM) Kevin: A warm cockspew of white, sticky cash
(11:34 AM) Ron: you crossed the line

Bambi Haggins

(11:29 AM) Kevin: your new name is Bambi Haggins
(11:30 AM) Ron: what the fuck
(11:30 AM) Kevin: It's bilbo baggins' brother
(11:30 AM) Kevin: sister, I guess
(11:31 AM) Ron: no
(11:31 AM) Ron: that's not correct
(11:31 AM) Ron: he doesn't have a sister
(11:31 AM) Kevin: Don't test me, Bambi

Kevin's Middle Name

(10:14 AM) Kevin: Kevin James Terebelo Kleinschmidt
(10:14 AM) Ron: really?
(10:14 AM) Kevin: Yes
(10:14 AM) Ron: terebelo
(10:14 AM) Ron: what is that
(10:14 AM) Kevin: Old family name
(10:14 AM) Ron: means?
(10:14 AM) Ron: clown fart
(10:14 AM) Kevin: Laughing at that
(10:14 AM) Kevin: I assume it means beautiful land or beautiful earth
(10:14 AM) Kevin: terra bello
(10:14 AM) Kevin: Story goes that there when my family showed up on Ellis Island, there was this dude, terebelo, who was being turned away.
(10:14 AM) Kevin: and so they said “This guy is a member of our family”
(10:14 AM) Kevin: and he got into the country
(10:14 AM) Kevin: and lived with the Kleinschmidts and married into the fam.
(10:14 AM) Ron: that's deep
(10:14 AM) Ron: and he was also a clown
(10:14 AM) Kevin: who did a farting routine
(10:14 AM) Ron: and had this great (forgotten) joke about farts
(10:14 AM) Ron: something about a priest and a whore

Ron Makes the Funniest Joke In History

(3:30 PM) Ron: you know what would be really intense
(3:31 PM) Ron: if you farted once in an elevator and it sounded like your ass said something
(3:31 PM) Ron: like, "hello"

Christina Hendricks Vs. Amy Adams

(9:57 AM) Kevin: I have a new crush in lif
(9:57 AM) Kevin: e
(9:57 AM) Ron: on?
(9:58 AM) Kevin: actress christina hendricks
(9:58 AM) Ron: waaaa.>?
(9:58 AM) Ron: I don't crush on her
(9:58 AM) Ron: but my girl was in that Movie Doubt
(9:59 AM) Kevin: Amy Adams?
(10:01 AM) Ron: yes
(10:01 AM) Ron: she is my jam
(10:02 AM) Kevin: Christina Hendricks is better
(10:02 AM) Kevin: She's a total sexpot
(10:02 AM) Kevin: And I would like to see what's cookin' in that pot
(10:02 AM) Kevin: I would like to smell what the rock is cookin'