Ron and Kevin

Lunch

2009-05-05T22:49:00.000-07:00

(1:50 PM) Kevin: That lunch was a fucking awesome jam
(1:50 PM) Kevin: It was a salad that tasted like a banh mi
(1:50 PM) Kevin: I want to fuck the lunch I just ate
(1:50 PM) Ron: I can't deal with it
(1:50 PM) Kevin: can't deal with what?
(1:50 PM) Ron: you need to find a hospital and check your fucked up crazy ass into it
(1:51 PM) Ron: and then get a lobotomy
(1:51 PM) Kevin: this is the first time I've sent you an IM that didn't say "I want to die" in like 3 years
(1:51 PM) Kevin: isn't that enough for you?

Crapping at Work

2009-05-05T22:48:00.000-07:00

(4:57 PM) Kevin: Do you know about my deal with crapping @ work?
(4:57 PM) Kevin: I hate it
(4:57 PM) Kevin: and I wont do it
(4:58 PM) Ron: did not know that
(4:58 PM) Ron: I'm always dropping a deuce
(5:01 PM) Kevin: Jealous
(5:01 PM) Ron: why is a trouble? you feel exposed? (by my web cam in both bathrooms?)
(5:02 PM) Kevin: that's a small part of it
(5:07 PM) Ron: the large part of it is that Darnell gets turned on when you go into the bathroom
(5:07 PM) Ron: so fucked
(5:08 PM) Kevin: Darnell is sexually attracted to my turds
(5:08 PM) Kevin: accidentally sent that IM to him like 50-60 times

The Rap Battle

2009-04-18T05:01:00.000-07:00

(5:06 PM) Ron: now I'm stressed about the date
(5:06 PM) Kevin: yr gonna have so much fun
(5:06 PM) Kevin: beautiful night out
(5:06 PM) Kevin: gonna get a back rub
(5:06 PM) Kevin: neck punch
(5:06 PM) Kevin: gonna have a blast
(5:06 PM) Kevin: gonna get capped in the ass
(5:06 PM) Kevin: gonna die fast
(5:22 PM) Kevin: Take a nap
(5:22 PM) Kevin: in my lap
(5:23 PM) Ron: rappity happidy
(5:23 PM) Ron: Freestyle rappin's gonna be
(5:23 PM) Ron: a really fun thing you can do for free
(5:24 PM) Ron: Find a hip beat and a piece of linoleum
(5:24 PM) Ron: Dance all night to the sounds of petroleum
(5:24 PM) Ron: jelly
(5:24 PM) Kevin: Petrol. Jelly Doesn't make a sound
(5:24 PM) Kevin: but I will drop upon you the freshest rhymes around
(5:25 PM) Kevin: sit back while I astound
(5:25 PM) Kevin: and turn your pants brown
(5:25 PM) Kevin: with an upside down frown
(5:25 PM) Kevin: what the fuck's linoleum got to do with rap
(5:25 PM) Kevin: cuz if you step you'll get yr teeth capped
(5:25 PM) Kevin: after you get brutal slapped
(5:25 PM) Kevin: and violently rapped
(5:25 PM) Kevin: I mean raped
(5:25 PM) Kevin: no escape
(5:25 PM) Kevin: While I hate
(5:26 PM) Kevin: upon the deepest parts of a hairless ape
(5:37 PM) Kevin: Remember when we were battle rhyming and i schooled you
(5:43 PM) Ron: no
(5:43 PM) Ron: never happened

Tête-à-Tête

2009-04-18T04:52:00.000-07:00

(2:32 PM) Kevin: the guys who run the pirate bay are going to jail
(2:33 PM) Kevin: and getting fined 4 million dollars
(2:33 PM) Ron: you will join them
(2:35 PM) Ron: i understand that they made a spectacle of the court case
(2:37 PM) Ron: no wonder they had the book thrown at them
(2:37 PM) Kevin: They thought it was a kangaroo court
(2:37 PM) Kevin: and acted accordingly
(2:37 PM) Ron: that's bullshit
(2:37 PM) Kevin: I'm not saying they're right
(2:37 PM) Ron: yeah
(2:37 PM) Kevin: I'm saying that's what they thought
(2:37 PM) Kevin: a rice pill is in order
(2:38 PM) Ron: well I'm saying we're about to have a little tete a tete
(2:38 PM) Ron: in which my tete (FIST) will do some talking with your tete
(2:38 PM) Kevin: I'm gonna bust off all over yr tetes
(2:50 PM) Ron: your balls, rusty vice, turn slowly until bursting
(2:50 PM) Kevin: Did that last night. Made a video, showed your parents

Forgetting

2009-04-11T05:30:00.000-07:00

(2:43 PM) Kevin: I've been forgetting things lately in a way I never used to
(2:44 PM) Kevin: the other day I couldn't remember the name of the guy who played Freddy Kruegger
(2:44 PM) Kevin: I was like wigging out
(2:44 PM) Kevin: That's the kind of shit people rely on me for
(2:44 PM) Ron: chickens are coming home to roost
(2:45 PM) Kevin: That's so fucked up
(2:45 PM) Ron: you make so much fun of me for my memory
(2:45 PM) Kevin: At least I still remember my first name, how to put on pants
(2:45 PM) Kevin: more than yr forgetful ass can say
(2:45 PM) Ron: OWNED
(2:45 PM) Kevin: I saw you piss yourself earlier
(2:45 PM) Kevin: Carmine had to wash you off in the restroom
(2:45 PM) Ron: you need to be careful dude
(2:45 PM) Kevin: luckily your mom sends you to work with a change of pants
(2:46 PM) Ron: this is all stuff that's gonna happen to your lazy trifling ass
(2:46 PM) Kevin: its hilarious to me that you said trifling

ER

2009-04-11T05:16:00.000-07:00

(1:39 PM) Ron: have you ever watched ER?
(1:39 PM) Kevin: no
(1:39 PM) Ron: so you missed my guest appearance - "Man with Goiter"
(1:40 PM) Kevin: Oh, I've appeared on it numerous times. I was "Binky the Goat Baby" in seasons 3 and 4. I just don't like to watch my own work.

Poetry

2009-04-11T05:12:00.000-07:00

(10:39 AM) Kevin: no poem has ever touched me in any way
(10:39 AM) Ron: OK - your loss
(10:39 AM) Kevin: except like shel silverstein
(10:39 AM) Ron: yeah
(10:39 AM) Ron: well there are poets for you
(10:39 AM) Ron: out there
(10:39 AM) Kevin: Shel Silverstein and Sam Kinnison
(10:40 AM) Ron:
Dickie milkshake
Bottom gunny sack
great Sperm count dude
Gonna punchie yer FAYCE
Lighten UP
babie I'm in luv with U
(10:40 AM) Kevin: Great sperm count dude
(10:41 AM) Kevin: best one
(10:41 AM) Kevin: best fucking shit ever
(10:41 AM) Ron: see?
(10:41 AM) Ron: there's poetry out there for you
(10:41 AM) Kevin: that poem moved me
(10:41 AM) Kevin: (to murder)

Pants Unzipped

2009-04-11T05:05:00.001-07:00

(11:53 AM) Kevin: just realized a moment ago that my pants have been unzipped all morning
(11:53 AM) Ron: you give me shit about my memory while your noodle hangs out in the wind

A-Ha - Take On Me

2009-04-11T04:52:00.000-07:00

(5:46 PM) Kevin: So you know how the dude hits that falsetto note in Take On Me
(5:46 PM) Kevin: Which just happened a second ago, you know when Brandon was playing it?
(5:46 PM) Kevin: Darnell just said, right before that part happened:
(5:46 PM) Kevin: "Quick, kick yourself in the balls so you can sing this part"
(5:46 PM) Kevin: what?
(5:46 PM) Kevin: What motivates a person like that
(5:47 PM) Ron: that is a weird thing to say
(5:47 PM) Kevin: Why does he talk?
(5:47 PM) Ron: and I wouldn't have thought of it
(5:47 PM) Ron: "kick yourself in the balls"?
(5:47 PM) Kevin: Why the fuck do we work here?
(5:47 PM) Ron: that's some shit you might say
(5:47 PM) Kevin: you have seriously crossed a new line in saying that
(5:48 PM) Ron: you deserve it
(5:49 PM) Kevin: Why are we now listening to the final countdown?
(5:50 PM) Kevin: Why would anyone think it was cute or funny to listen to this entire song?
(5:50 PM) Ron: i don't f'inknow
(5:50 PM) Kevin: why does this happen?
(5:50 PM) Kevin: Why is there so much trouble in this world.
(5:51 PM) Ron: you need to chill the fuck up
(5:51 PM) Ron: kick yourself in the balls

The Perfected Asshole

2009-04-11T04:48:00.000-07:00

(3:49 PM) Ron: how is it that you are the biggest a hole in the world? how is that possible?
(3:50 PM) Kevin: Well...I haven't really been at liberty to discuss this...
(3:50 PM) Kevin: but...
(3:50 PM) Kevin: I am the product of a genetic experiment
(3:50 PM) Kevin: I was created in a lab
(3:50 PM) Kevin: ahole industries and textiles
(3:50 PM) Kevin: they were trying to perfect assholism
(3:50 PM) Kevin: but I was too powerful and I escaped
(3:50 PM) Kevin: I lived in the wild for 4 years
(3:51 PM) Kevin: living on the feces of bears and the tears of abducted children
(3:52 PM) Ron: get me some water now
(3:52 PM) Kevin: Sorry. I am the perfected asshole. I ain't gettin you shit

Truffle Oil

2009-03-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

(5:28 PM) Kevin: There's a pizza place between n. 6th and n7th
(5:29 PM) Kevin: it has pizza with truffle oil
(5:29 PM) Kevin: it's magical
(5:29 PM) Ron: the art and science of pizza? that place?
(5:29 PM) Kevin: truffles are like my favorite food in the universe
(5:29 PM) Ron: that I did not know
(5:29 PM) Kevin: I'd fuck a prostitute with chlamidiya to get a truffle in my mouth
(5:29 PM) Ron: that's basically your coming out statement

Grimace

2009-03-10T20:06:00.000-07:00

(1:15 PM) Kevin: God
(1:15 PM) Kevin: Flip is such a clown
(1:15 PM) Ron: what now
(1:15 PM) Kevin: Look at his outfit
(1:16 PM) Ron: purple t-shirt and jeans
(1:16 PM) Ron: yeah - he looks like an idiot
(1:16 PM) Ron: but this office doesn't give a shit
(1:19 PM) Kevin: he's dressed like Grimace from McDonalds
(1:19 PM) Kevin:
(1:20 PM) Ron: I would like you to walk up to Flip with a pasted on smile and pretend that he's grimace and hug him
(1:20 PM) Ron: I'm afraid you'd do it
(1:20 PM) Kevin: you should be
(1:22 PM) Ron: would you do it for $100?
(1:22 PM) Kevin: yes
(1:22 PM) Ron: I don't believe you
(1:22 PM) Kevin: That was the number I was thinking of, actually
(1:22 PM) Kevin: do you want to shake on this
(1:22 PM) Ron: you couldn't tell him that you'd been paid to do it
(1:22 PM) Ron: you couldn't explain it in anyway
(1:22 PM) Kevin: Im fine with that
(1:22 PM) Ron: I'm not going to pay you for that
(1:23 PM) Kevin: Im calling yr bluff here
(1:23 PM) Ron: its too fucked up
(1:23 PM) Kevin: and yr pussing out
(1:23 PM) Ron: it would be too fucked
(1:24 PM) Ron: you would have to hug him and call him grimace
(1:24 PM) Kevin: I'd even go up to a brah and say "ano ka ba talaga, grimace?!"

Suicide vs. Slit Throat vs. Cookie

2009-03-04T20:25:00.000-08:00

(5:23 PM) Ron: might wanna jump off a cliff
(5:24 PM) Kevin: can you bungie off a cliff over a cookie salesman, grab a cookie, and then when you reach the cliff again, I'll take the cookie out of your hand and cut the bungie cord?
(5:24 PM) Kevin: Its complex
(5:24 PM) Kevin: but it might work
(5:24 PM) Ron: No - I will take a knife with me and cut your throat at the same time that I hand you the cookie
(5:24 PM) Ron: you won't be able to eat it
(5:24 PM) Ron: and we'll both die
(5:24 PM) Kevin: I'll eat the cookie but the pieces will fall out of my newly created neckhole

Ray of Light Playing in the Office

2009-03-04T20:22:00.000-08:00

(4:55 PM) Kevin: This is actually what hell is like, I think
(4:55 PM) Kevin: working in an office where you have to listen to Madonna's Ray of Light
(4:55 PM) Kevin: working on shit you ABSOLUTELY don't care about
(4:55 PM) Kevin: With all of your co-workers hamming it up
(4:56 PM) Ron: yeah. . .
(4:56 PM) Kevin: Actually self-aware of the fact that they're in hell
(4:56 PM) Ron: ok ok
(4:56 PM) Kevin: Please.
(4:56 PM) Ron: suck a dong
(4:56 PM) Kevin: Just bust off in my face
(4:56 PM) Kevin: just make it a little worse for me
(4:56 PM) Kevin: because my life doesn't suck hard enough
(4:56 PM) Kevin: God.
(4:56 PM) Kevin: Ray of Light
(4:56 PM) Kevin: this is like the extended version or something. Its going on forever.
(4:56 PM) Ron: OK
(4:56 PM) Ron: you can
(4:56 PM) Ron: stop
(4:56 PM) Ron: now

Cookie

2009-03-04T20:15:00.000-08:00

(2:21 PM) Kevin: can you get me a cookie please
(2:21 PM) Ron: no
(2:21 PM) Kevin: Why not
(2:21 PM) Ron: I don't want to
(2:21 PM) Ron: simple as that
(2:21 PM) Kevin: correction.
(2:21 PM) Kevin: Because you're a dick
(2:22 PM) Kevin: So keep the behavior under control
(2:22 PM) Ron: makes no sense
(2:22 PM) Kevin: I'm not asking you to join a whites only country club
(2:22 PM) Kevin: I'm asking you to get a god damned cookie
(2:24 PM) Ron: what does that have to do with anything?
(2:24 PM) Kevin: Look, I just think you're being unreasonable.
(2:24 PM) Ron: i don't want to get some shitty cookie
(2:24 PM) Kevin: Should I recount to you all the things I do for you on a daily basis?
(2:25 PM) Ron: go for it - this should funny
(2:25 PM) Kevin: 1.) I make jokes about having sex with our coworkers that make you laugh
(2:25 PM) Ron: ok
(2:25 PM) Kevin: 2.) I dont murder you
(2:25 PM) Ron: not something you do me
(2:25 PM) Ron: does not count
(2:25 PM) Kevin: Its something I do FOR you
(2:25 PM) Kevin: Spare your goddamn life
(2:26 PM) Kevin: 3.) Give you constant emotional support peppered with a bit of self-deprecating humor
(2:26 PM) Ron: "constant"
(2:26 PM) Ron: not sure I'm with that - "occasional - with assholery peppered in"
(2:27 PM) Kevin: That sounds like an organic ingredient you could pick up @ whole foods.
(2:27 PM) Kevin: I would like to get the chicken with organic assholery pepper
(2:27 PM) Ron: if this is about friendship and you want to test our friendship - I will get you a cookie
(2:27 PM) Ron: but I won't be happy about it
(2:27 PM) Ron: and you will then lose me as a friend
(2:27 PM) Ron: forever
(2:28 PM) Ron: is it worth it to you?
(2:29 PM) Kevin: So...You prove to me that you're a good friend and then you immediately stop being my friend?
(2:30 PM) Ron: YES
(2:30 PM) Ron: that's how it works kimosabe
(2:30 PM) Kevin: Do NOT call me that
(2:30 PM) Kevin: Punishment for racist colloquialism - cookie
(2:30 PM) Ron: that's how it works Native American Chief Little Feather

Pickle

2009-03-04T20:12:00.000-08:00

(1:29 PM) Ron: do you want a pickle?
(1:42 PM) Kevin: No thx
(1:43 PM) Ron: it took u 15 minutes to decide?
(1:43 PM) Kevin: I had to seriously think about the question
(1:43 PM) Kevin: So back off

End of the Day

2009-02-28T06:41:00.000-08:00

(5:58 PM) Kevin: GET FUCKED BY A FIST
(5:59 PM) Kevin: Get pimp slapped by a child in a wheelchair
(5:59 PM) Ron: that's hilarious
(6:00 PM) Kevin: Its something you need to do in order to get your life together
(6:00 PM) Ron: prob the funniest thing you've ever said
(6:00 PM) Ron: in a long line of unfunny shit
(6:00 PM) Kevin: I am a fecund torrent of pure hilarity
(6:00 PM) Kevin: So you need to get back, honky cat
(6:01 PM) Ron: I'm leaving

Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T09:46:00.001-08:00

(5:34 PM) Ron:

(5:35 PM) Kevin: I hate you so much
(5:35 PM) Ron: that photo is getting you back for whatever you've done or will do to me
(5:35 PM) Kevin: You know, so much went into getting that picture to us
(5:35 PM) Kevin: they had to do a photo shoot
(5:35 PM) Kevin: they hired models and photographers
(5:35 PM) Kevin: they had props
(5:36 PM) Kevin: they must have clicked off hundreds of images
(5:36 PM) Kevin: they had to touch it up to make sure the models looked "good"
(5:36 PM) Kevin: a photo editor had to approve it.
(5:36 PM) Kevin: and it's fucking HORRIBLE
(5:36 PM) Kevin: it's like the worst thing I've ever seen
(5:36 PM) Kevin: how could the world have done this to me
(5:36 PM) Ron: wrong
(5:37 PM) Ron: Valentine's Day Dos and Don'ts
(5:37 PM) Ron: being a woman is totally insane
(5:37 PM) Ron: all those magazines
(5:37 PM) Ron: list after list of bullshit, "What Dudes think about Pubic Hair"
(5:38 PM) Kevin: I love it
(5:39 PM) Kevin: I wish someone would shave some directly into my mouth
(5:39 PM) Ron: - Kevin, New York, NY
(5:39 PM) Kevin: Fucked up
(5:39 PM) Kevin: You ID'd me

Coughing Fits/Naming Kids

2009-02-14T08:30:00.000-08:00

(12:22 PM) Ron: my roommate has guests - they are staying in his room and he is crashing in our spare room
(12:22 PM) Kevin: that kinda shit makes me stressed, I know where yr at.
(12:23 PM) Kevin: It's made mrore difficult by the fact that you guys are not close pals
(12:23 PM) Ron: the dude woke up this morning, went into the bathroom and dropped like 4 tremendously loud farts
(12:23 PM) Ron: and then was coughing crazy loud
(12:23 PM) Ron: blowing his nose like it was the end of the world
(12:23 PM) Kevin: I know that at the end of the world, I will be
blowing my nose, HARD
(12:23 PM) Ron: basically dude was dying from dysentery
(12:24 PM) Kevin: Man, that
(12:24 PM) Kevin: is
(12:24 PM) Kevin: deep
(12:24 PM) Ron: I was totally wondering what it would be like to start your day like that every day
(12:24 PM) Ron: he had just lost a battle with life
(12:24 PM) Kevin: Oh man, I used to have a roommate named Eugene Klingenburger
(12:24 PM) Ron: hate him already
(12:24 PM) Kevin: and he would make this hacking sound in the morning that was so fucking bad.
(12:24 PM) Kevin: I one day I like couldn't take it anymore so I started yelling at him.
(12:25 PM) Kevin: he comes stomping out of the bathroom, and he goes "DUDE, I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO BREATHE IF I DO NOT CLEAR MY THROAT OUT. DO YOU WANT ME TO CHOKE ON MY OWN PHLEGM AND DIE"
(12:26 PM) Ron: I imagine you said "yes"
(12:26 PM) Ron: b/c that's how I would have felt
(12:26 PM) Kevin: I said "If that's what it takes to keep that from happening"
(12:26 PM) Ron: classic
(12:26 PM) Ron: antagonism from 17 yos
(12:26 PM) Kevin: His middle name was Jupiter
(12:26 PM) Ron: fuck parents
(12:26 PM) Ron: they have no clue
(12:27 PM) Ron: they are like, "My child is named Brooklyn Wildflower Troublestep Jones"
(12:27 PM) Kevin: That's an amazing name
(12:27 PM) Kevin: Troublestep
(12:27 PM) Ron: seriously parents need to chill the fuck out with getting creative with names
(12:27 PM) Ron: go classic
(12:27 PM) Kevin: Naming my kid Triple Check Flip Johnson
(12:28 PM) Ron: Dumbie Whinerstern Blackman Jappy
(12:28 PM) Ron: the kid has to live with the crazy name
(12:28 PM) Kevin: Regicide Dumbledore Thelonious Fisk
(12:29 PM) Ron: Flower Crack Pavement Break Sunshine Twat
(12:30 PM) Kevin: Twat
(12:30 PM) Kevin: Slipmat Banana Corporeal Helmet Cline

Ron is Old/Amish Abuse

2009-02-14T07:12:00.000-08:00

(12:31 PM) Ron: god - maybe someday I'll have a kid
(12:32 PM) Kevin: Oh you will have a kid
(12:32 PM) Kevin: it will look almost exactly like me
(12:32 PM) Ron: nightmare
(12:32 PM) Kevin: You are, after all, old enough to be my dad
(12:32 PM) Ron: I had sex when I was 9
(12:32 PM) Ron: and made a baby
(12:33 PM) Ron: I'm not even 9 years older than you gramps
(12:33 PM) Kevin: Correct
(12:33 PM) Kevin: you are 49 years older
(12:33 PM) Kevin: Born in the 20's and shit
(12:33 PM) Ron: god
(12:33 PM) Kevin: How was the gilded age?
(12:33 PM) Ron: get OVER it
(12:33 PM) Kevin: Did you pop a squat on Gatsby's lap?
(12:33 PM) Ron: get a colonic and sip a rice pill
(12:34 PM) Kevin: Did you do the Charleston with Marcel Duchamp or whatever
(12:34 PM) Ron: dumbest shit
(12:34 PM) Kevin: new genre - Historical Humor
(12:34 PM) Ron: an amish dude will explore your soul tonight with a claw hammer
(12:35 PM) Kevin: The Amish dude part makes it confusing
(12:35 PM) Kevin: yet intriguing
(12:36 PM) Kevin: Gonna raise a barn on yr ass
(12:37 PM) Ron: He's on his rumspringa
(12:37 PM) Ron: and likes to see people suffer

Reflections on Poop Jokes

2009-02-14T07:05:00.000-08:00

(3:58 PM) Kevin: Updated R&K last night
(3:58 PM) Kevin: All the poop stuff from a couple days back
(3:59 PM) Ron: it is so out of control
(4:00 PM) Kevin: Janine called it "Pretty extreme"
(4:00 PM) Ron: its some deep, problematic stuff
(4:00 PM) Ron: we are getting raw
(4:02 PM) Ron: so out of control
(4:02 PM) Ron: I can't believe you posted that stuff
(4:02 PM) Ron: you come across as demented
(4:04 PM) Kevin: I come off as a funny dude
(4:05 PM) Ron: delusional

Poop Jokes 5

2009-02-12T19:39:00.000-08:00

(11:58 AM) Kevin: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=peek_a_boo
(11:58 AM) Kevin: That's too insane
(11:59 AM) Ron: totally stupid
(12:00 PM) Ron: just added my "down" vote to it
(12:00 PM) Kevin: I think it's the best
(12:01 PM) Ron: well - that makes sense - you are always about ass raping and shit
(12:01 PM) Ron: that's your deal
(12:01 PM) Kevin: What the fuck
(12:01 PM) Kevin: I am not "all about ass raping." I think that's pretty severe
(12:01 PM) Ron: check the logs
(12:01 PM) Kevin: Is that how you'd introduce me at a party?
(12:02 PM) Ron: no. . .I would introduce you ass Kevin - and then within 15 minutes of convo - you'd say something about doo doo
(12:03 PM) Kevin: Talking about poop, which I think is hilarious and a GREAT conversation topic, as everyone, across all cultures craps at least 4 times a week, is a far fucking cry from "all about ass raping"
(12:05 PM) Kevin: (Don't make me ass rape you)

Poop Jokes 4

2009-02-12T19:33:00.000-08:00

(5:07 PM) Kevin: I want to make love to you with my poop
(5:07 PM) Kevin: I am in the worst fucking mood
(5:08 PM) Kevin: this p0op humor is the only thing that's making it better
(5:08 PM) Kevin: I hope you can sympathize
(5:08 PM) Kevin: while I shitfuck you
(5:08 PM) Ron: I'm not sure I can sympathize but alright
(5:08 PM) Kevin: But you can empathize

Poop Jokes 3

2009-02-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

(4:41 PM) Kevin: I was stoked yesterday when you played Joni Mithcell
(4:42 PM) Ron: yeah - I can deal with her now
(4:42 PM) Ron: I'm not emo about it
(4:42 PM) Kevin: Took a dump inside most of her orifii
(4:44 PM) Ron: wtf is wrong with you
(4:44 PM) Kevin: Fecal Freak
(4:45 PM) Kevin: Plain and Simple

Poop Jokes 2

2009-02-12T19:28:00.000-08:00

(4:13 PM) Kevin: Is it modest mouse?
(4:13 PM) Kevin: Sounds like that Modest Mouse song
(4:13 PM) Ron: yes
(4:13 PM) Ron: it is
(4:13 PM) Kevin: Fuck M M
(4:13 PM) Ron: god get over yourself
(4:13 PM) Kevin: Gonna drape you in fine fecal garments
(4:14 PM) Ron: you are one IM from jettisoning our friendship
(4:14 PM) Kevin: You visualized me hate fucking Darnell earlier. Take a moment to prepare your dome for the dook party that's going to take place on your pate
(4:15 PM) Ron: you were the douche who suggested that you were going to hate fuck him
(4:15 PM) Ron: so get over yourself (again)
(4:15 PM) Kevin: This conversation barely coheres
(4:15 PM) Kevin: it doesn't make any sense at all
(4:15 PM) Kevin: it's just like unmitigated viciousness for no real reason
(4:15 PM) Kevin: (U gon' get shidded on)

Poop Jokes 1

2009-02-12T19:26:00.000-08:00

(3:58 PM) Kevin: I want to get pooped on by you
(3:58 PM) Kevin: today or tonight
(3:58 PM) Kevin: for sexual gratification
(3:58 PM) Ron: you need to hold that thought
(3:59 PM) Ron: and then bury it out back
(3:59 PM) Kevin: NoooooooooooooooOOOOOOO
(4:04 PM) Ron: how mad are you right now
(4:04 PM) Kevin: It was weird that I wanted to poop on you, and then you send me a link to something called "FECAL FACE" a minute ago
(4:04 PM) Kevin: I thought it was gonna be some deep scat shit
(4:05 PM) Ron: yeah that was weird
(4:06 PM) Kevin: I wish it were pictures of your face glazed with poo drizzle
(4:07 PM) Ron: what the fuck
(4:07 PM) Ron: deal with yourself
(4:07 PM) Kevin: Incorrect
(4:07 PM) Kevin: i will be dealing with you from now on
(4:07 PM) Kevin: Hoping you can interface with my butthole sometime soon
(4:08 PM) Ron: too weird
(4:08 PM) Kevin: Wrong again (.com)
(4:08 PM) Kevin: Absolutely appropriate given the circumstances of our relationship

Proposal - Jimmies

2009-01-23T23:41:00.000-08:00

(1:12 PM) Ron: what are you doing now
(1:12 PM) Kevin: Working on Proposal for new client
(1:12 PM) Ron: finally
(1:12 PM) Kevin: Working on my proposal to you
(1:12 PM) Kevin: Ron...
(1:13 PM) Kevin: we've loved each other for a long time
(1:13 PM) Kevin: so...
(1:13 PM) Kevin: will you...
(1:13 PM) Kevin: S my D
(1:13 PM) Ron: the answer is no
(1:13 PM) Kevin: Oh, I think you'll reconsider.
(1:13 PM) Kevin: I put Jimmies on it
(1:13 PM) Ron: offended by that
(1:13 PM) Ron: b/c I like ice cream with sprinkles
(1:13 PM) Kevin: It's nuts that fucking you east coasters call them jimmies
(1:13 PM) Kevin: I always hated sprinkles
(1:14 PM) Ron: I call them sprinkle - always
(1:14 PM) Kevin: I never understood the point
(1:14 PM) Ron: I get them when I get softserve
(1:14 PM) Ron: textural challenge
(1:14 PM) Ron: philosophical inquiry
(1:14 PM) Ron: into the nature of sugar processing
(1:14 PM) Kevin: Yr making me laugh
(1:15 PM) Ron: you are you gonna get a load of bricks dropped on your dome

What the Fuck?

2009-01-23T23:31:00.000-08:00

(10:12 AM) Kevin: G'morning, krinkle cut
(10:12 AM) Ron: hideyho
(10:13 AM) Ron: gonna make gin rummy with your face
(10:13 AM) Kevin: Don't blame you
(10:13 AM) Kevin: shitting everywhere from food poop

Dead Floyd Member

2009-01-23T23:25:00.002-08:00

(5:47 PM) Kevin: Another floyd member died
(5:47 PM) Ron: which one?!
(5:47 PM) Kevin: Keyboard player
(5:47 PM) Kevin: no one important
(5:47 PM) Kevin: rick wright
(5:48 PM) Ron: how did he die
(5:48 PM) Kevin: Choked during a cock eating festival
(5:48 PM) Kevin: cancer
(5:49 PM) Kevin: caused by carcinogens related to dick eating

Lunch

2009-01-23T23:25:00.001-08:00

(12:29 PM) Ron: what are you buying me for lunch
(12:30 PM) Ron: i want to fight the world
(12:30 PM) Kevin: Chamomile dicktea
(12:30 PM) Ron: wrestle the world onto the floor in a headlock and then punch it in the face 100 times
(12:30 PM) Ron: then have some lunch
(12:30 PM) Kevin: I want to masturbate a llama and fucking beat off a giraffe
(12:30 PM) Kevin: and then make lunch with it.
(12:30 PM) Ron: not gross enough
(12:31 PM) Ron: that's a pussy IM

New York Post and Daily News

2009-01-23T19:13:00.000-08:00

(1:47 PM) Ron: NY post and NY Daily News are so much more fun to read then the NYT
(1:48 PM) Kevin: Bein' straight up here...
(1:48 PM) Kevin: you're part of the problem, not part of the solution
(1:48 PM) Ron: My solution is to put you out to pasture
(1:48 PM) Ron: and have an 8 foot tall wrestler milk you until you collapse
(1:49 PM) Kevin: Well, don't mean to burst your bubble, but part of my fear of the apocalypse is to train for just such an eventuality
(1:50 PM) Kevin: So I think I'll withstand a lot more milking than your wrestler is prepared to administer
(1:50 PM) Ron: Oh he's prepared

Cats

2009-01-23T19:09:00.000-08:00

(1:43 PM) Ron: Katy Perry is going celibate for a year
(1:43 PM) Kevin: why
(1:43 PM) Ron: "I've actually taken a vow of celibacy this year," the 24-year-old Grammy nominee tells TV Guide. "No kissing anyone. Just my cat, Kitty Purry."
(1:44 PM) Ron: b/c he cat drove her insne
(1:44 PM) Ron: insane
(1:44 PM) Ron: like yours did to you
(1:44 PM) Kevin: I would let my cat shit in my mouth, if it could form words and asked me to do so
(1:45 PM) Ron: You have finally crossed the final line
(1:45 PM) Ron: it is the final conflict now
(1:45 PM) Kevin: The end game
(1:45 PM) Kevin: there's a line in revelations about a hebrew who wants his cat to shit in his mouth
(1:45 PM) Ron: fuck you
(1:45 PM) Ron: you've gone farther
(1:45 PM) Kevin: WTF?
(1:45 PM) Kevin: Fuck you, motherfucker
(1:46 PM) Kevin: I'm just taking it as far as it needs to go
(1:46 PM) Kevin: Things are tough all the fuck over
(1:46 PM) Kevin: doesn't make you special just cuz you fart gold coins
(1:46 PM) Ron: Be Extra Special Careful (with your balls)
(1:47 PM) Kevin: Unsure as to how this pertains to the matter at hand - my cat WILL shit in my mouth

How Mad Am I?

2009-01-23T19:08:00.000-08:00

(1:33 PM) Ron: scale of 1 - 10 - how mad am I?
(1:33 PM) Kevin: I dont give a shit
(1:33 PM) Kevin: 8?
(1:33 PM) Ron: you just bumped it up to 10 with that comment
(1:39 PM) Kevin: you just burped up to death with that comment
(1:39 PM) Ron: gonna drown you like a bad puppy

End of Civilization Again

2009-01-23T19:03:00.000-08:00

(12:17 PM) Ron: did you get your New Yorker yet?
(12:18 PM) Kevin: yeah
(12:18 PM) Ron: did you read the article about the people who are predicting the collapse of civilization?
(12:18 PM) Kevin: I started it.
(12:18 PM) Kevin: Janine has warned me not to read it.
(12:18 PM) Ron: Yeah - prob not for you
(12:18 PM) Kevin: Im gonna read it
(12:19 PM) Kevin: I read the opening stanza
(12:19 PM) Kevin: I think it's smart as fuck to live on a boat with a 6 month supply of food.
(12:32 PM) Ron: you will have a 6 month supply of dog food
(12:32 PM) Kevin: Pissed @ you
(12:32 PM) Kevin: you are so fucking racist
(12:32 PM) Kevin: it's unbelievable
(12:33 PM) Ron: time to break dance on your dome
(12:38 PM) Ron: gonna break an ice cream cone on your eye

Kevin and His Friends

2009-01-20T05:20:00.000-08:00

(5:30 PM) Ron:

(5:30 PM) Ron: this is a photo of you and your friends in exactly 5 months
(5:33 PM) Kevin: You are my friend
(5:33 PM) Kevin: so it's apic of us
(5:33 PM) Ron: I won't be at that point
(5:34 PM) Ron: sorry
(5:34 PM) Kevin: Sorry to hear that you're incorrecty
(5:34 PM) Kevin: Incorrecty is your superhero name
(5:34 PM) Kevin: you have a super ability to be wrong
(5:34 PM) Ron: already you are writing with a glam twist
(5:34 PM) Ron: hoops make an appearance next thursday
(5:34 PM) Ron: eyebrows are gone by monday of next week
(5:34 PM) Ron: and then the lips get cranked up within the month

Steve Jobs

2009-01-15T13:41:00.000-08:00

(1:02 PM) Ron: interesting stuff about the health of steve jobs
(1:02 PM) Kevin: I have to say that it makes no diff. to my life whether that dude lives or dues
(1:03 PM) Kevin: dies
(1:03 PM) Ron: whether he lives or pays you dues
(1:03 PM) Ron: to the Kevin J. Kleinschmidt love a child Foundation
(1:04 PM) Kevin: Kevin Kleinschmidt Boner Concern
(1:04 PM) Ron: "Steve Jobs needs to pay me some dues or die - but I don't actually give a shit which." - K. J. Kleinschmidt, CEO of Dick Face Industries
(1:05 PM) Kevin: "Kevin Kleinschmidt needs to quit giving me cancer or whatever" - Steve Jobs

Shirley Hemphill

2009-01-15T13:31:00.001-08:00

(2:00 PM) Kevin: Whenever you make me mad
(2:00 PM) Kevin: This is what I do in my head
(2:00 PM) Kevin:

(2:00 PM) Ron: that's so amazing
(2:00 PM) Ron: life is wonderful

Romper Room

2009-01-15T13:19:00.000-08:00

(12:21 PM) Ron: most annoying toy ever invented aside from My Pretty Pony
(12:21 PM) Kevin: it's My Little Pony
(12:21 PM) Kevin: you dick sniffer
(12:21 PM) Ron: OLD SCHOOL! http://mylittleponycollector.com/info3/my_pretty_pony.htm
(12:22 PM) Kevin: MY Pretty Pony was first produced by Romper Room
(12:22 PM) Kevin: can there be any worse a name for a company
(12:22 PM) Kevin: romper room
(12:22 PM) Kevin: it sounds like a place where unspeakable things happen
(12:22 PM) Ron: you are starting to step on cherished childhood memories
(12:22 PM) Kevin: Come into my romper room
(12:22 PM) Ron: you need to back off
(12:22 PM) Kevin: now remove your pants
(12:23 PM) Kevin: I just want to do a little romping
(12:23 PM) Ron: I never took off my pants in romper room EVER
(12:23 PM) Kevin: Maybe you did and just surpressed the memory
(12:23 PM) Kevin: surpress
(12:23 PM) Kevin: surprise!
(12:23 PM) Ron: I know what I did in romper room
(12:23 PM) Ron: I beat down your baby ass
(12:23 PM) Kevin: You were like 35 and I was 2 or 3
(12:24 PM) Kevin: and you were there with a pabst in your hand
(12:24 PM) Kevin: just punching away
(12:24 PM) Kevin: not exactly a far fight.
(12:24 PM) Ron: using your head as a can crusher

Sitcom Idea

2009-01-10T01:28:00.000-08:00

(1:31 PM) Ron: From the creative team that brought you the durty version, tango and cash and the I'm Lovin' It song comes a new sitcom about life on the run from penis snatchers
(1:31 PM) Kevin: Whoa
(1:31 PM) Kevin: Penis snatchers threw me a bit
(1:33 PM) Ron: Set in Kenya, two brothers caught up in their country's obsession with shrinking dinks, attempt to “proteck they l'il necks” from anything and everything, even a gaggle of morally bankrupt sorority girls. Starring Kenny Loggins as “The Guy with Leather”
(1:33 PM) Kevin: As a concept, this show is very stressful
(1:34 PM) Ron: BUT YOU WOULD WATCH IT RIGHT?!
(1:34 PM) Kevin: I have already reserved the DVDs
(1:34 PM) Ron: I think I could come up with a bunch of shows
(1:35 PM) Ron: make them, sell them, get rich and then end up in at the bottom of a rock quarry in New Hampshire

Backup

2009-01-10T00:19:00.000-08:00

(11:32 AM) Kevin: JKJK Industries is now backing up 2 Terabytes of data
(11:33 AM) Ron: 1.8TB of it is pornography
(11:33 AM) Kevin: we make $3,816 in pure profit off of them a month
(11:33 AM) Kevin: and rising
(11:33 AM) Kevin: sharply
(11:34 AM) Ron: pure unadulterated profit. . .a golden shower of ripe money stew
(11:34 AM) Kevin: A warm cockspew of white, sticky cash
(11:34 AM) Ron: you crossed the line

Bambi Haggins

2009-01-09T23:47:00.000-08:00

(11:29 AM) Kevin: your new name is Bambi Haggins
(11:30 AM) Ron: what the fuck
(11:30 AM) Kevin: It's bilbo baggins' brother
(11:30 AM) Kevin: sister, I guess
(11:31 AM) Ron: no
(11:31 AM) Ron: that's not correct
(11:31 AM) Ron: he doesn't have a sister
(11:31 AM) Kevin: Don't test me, Bambi

Kevin's Middle Name

2009-01-09T23:38:00.000-08:00

(10:14 AM) Kevin: Kevin James Terebelo Kleinschmidt
(10:14 AM) Ron: really?
(10:14 AM) Kevin: Yes
(10:14 AM) Ron: terebelo
(10:14 AM) Ron: what is that
(10:14 AM) Kevin: Old family name
(10:14 AM) Ron: means?
(10:14 AM) Ron: clown fart
(10:14 AM) Kevin: Laughing at that
(10:14 AM) Kevin: I assume it means beautiful land or beautiful earth
(10:14 AM) Kevin: terra bello
(10:14 AM) Kevin: Story goes that there when my family showed up on Ellis Island, there was this dude, terebelo, who was being turned away.
(10:14 AM) Kevin: and so they said “This guy is a member of our family”
(10:14 AM) Kevin: and he got into the country
(10:14 AM) Kevin: and lived with the Kleinschmidts and married into the fam.
(10:14 AM) Ron: that's deep
(10:14 AM) Ron: and he was also a clown
(10:14 AM) Kevin: who did a farting routine
(10:14 AM) Ron: and had this great (forgotten) joke about farts
(10:14 AM) Ron: something about a priest and a whore

Ron Makes the Funniest Joke In History

2009-01-09T23:10:00.000-08:00

(3:30 PM) Ron: you know what would be really intense
(3:31 PM) Ron: if you farted once in an elevator and it sounded like your ass said something
(3:31 PM) Ron: like, "hello"

Christina Hendricks Vs. Amy Adams

2009-01-09T23:02:00.000-08:00

(9:57 AM) Kevin: I have a new crush in lif
(9:57 AM) Kevin: e
(9:57 AM) Ron: on?
(9:58 AM) Kevin: actress christina hendricks
(9:58 AM) Ron: waaaa.>?
(9:58 AM) Ron: I don't crush on her
(9:58 AM) Ron: but my girl was in that Movie Doubt
(9:59 AM) Kevin: Amy Adams?
(10:01 AM) Ron: yes
(10:01 AM) Ron: she is my jam
(10:02 AM) Kevin: Christina Hendricks is better
(10:02 AM) Kevin: She's a total sexpot
(10:02 AM) Kevin: And I would like to see what's cookin' in that pot
(10:02 AM) Kevin: I would like to smell what the rock is cookin'

Solo Album

2008-12-31T09:22:00.000-08:00

(2:49 PM) Kevin: is this lungfish?
(2:49 PM) Ron: yes
(2:50 PM) Kevin: Mungfish
(2:50 PM) Ron: take a sip from my cock spout
(2:51 PM) Kevin: Cock spout
(2:51 PM) Kevin: Pretty special
(2:51 PM) Kevin: This is my solo album.
(2:52 PM) Ron: are you trying to say that that is the name of your solo album?
(2:52 PM) Kevin: No, I was saying that whatever we're listening to right now is my solo album
(2:53 PM) Kevin: The album is called “Cock Spout”
(2:53 PM) Kevin: maybe you've heard of it.
(2:53 PM) Ron: you are wrong - because the name of your solo album is “Drinkin' Cum Curds in Da Springz”
(3:03 PM) Ron: I have work to do but I don't want to do it
(3:03 PM) Kevin: Cum Curdz
(3:03 PM) Kevin: MC Cum Curdz and DJ ShitSculpture

Lunch

2008-12-31T09:13:00.000-08:00

(11:25 AM) Kevin: I want food in my mouth
(11:25 AM) Kevin: cuz I have a hunger in my gut
(11:25 AM) Ron: too early
(11:25 AM) Kevin: I know.
(11:25 AM) Ron: you need to eat a balanced breakfast
(11:25 AM) Kevin: I didn't eat breakfast
(11:26 AM) Ron: don't piss me off
(11:26 AM) Kevin: I didn't eat breakfast expressly to piss you off
(11:26 AM) Ron: you've suceeded

Japan's Prime Minister

2008-12-31T09:02:00.000-08:00

(11:33 AM) Kevin: Did you know that two Japanese prime ministers have retired in the past year?
(11:33 AM) Kevin: Shit be crazy over there
(11:34 AM) Ron: no - what's up?
(11:34 AM) Kevin: One retired because he had diarrhea
(11:34 AM) Kevin: no lie
(11:34 AM) Ron: that's wild
(11:34 AM) Ron: that's very japanese
(11:34 AM) Kevin: the other retired because he thought congress was making his job impossible
(11:34 AM) Ron: huh - that's pussy talk
(11:35 AM) Ron: tough it out samuri

Getting a Drink

2008-12-31T08:52:00.000-08:00

(1:58 PM) Kevin: Janine wants to get a drink @ 10:00
(1:58 PM) Kevin: wanna do it
(1:58 PM) Kevin: with yr dick out
(1:58 PM) Ron: where?
(1:58 PM) Kevin: flailing all over my delighted and surprised testicles
(1:59 PM) Ron: I could more likely do 10:30. . .
(1:59 PM) Kevin: Wherever. A dude doesn't give a flying dickpiss
(1:59 PM) Kevin: 10:30!!!!
(1:59 PM) Ron: at the Levee
(1:59 PM) Kevin: What do you think this is!
(1:59 PM) Kevin: Some kind of cock party!?
(1:59 PM) Ron: jesus
(1:59 PM) Kevin: flailing all over my delighted and surprised testicles
(1:59 PM) Kevin: flailing all over my delighted and surprised testicles
(1:59 PM) Kevin: flailing all over my delighted and surprised testicles
(1:59 PM) Kevin: flailing all over my delighted and surprised testicles
(1:59 PM) Kevin: flailing all over my delighted and surprised testicles
(2:02 PM) Kevin: Were you born at the dumdum store
(2:04 PM) Ron: stop sucking a stupid tit
(2:04 PM) Kevin: whoa, hurtful
(2:05 PM) Ron: I would like you to DJ in the main tank of the Boston Aquarium. No oxygen, no turntables, no records. Just a shark and your naked body until there is nothing left.
(2:05 PM) Kevin: Cruel but fair

Carob

2008-12-31T08:26:00.000-08:00

(4:23 PM) Kevin: you'll find that special someone
(4:23 PM) Kevin: crawling around in the muck
(4:23 PM) Kevin: just waiting for your gentle hand
(4:24 PM) Ron: anger nuggets with soy milk and dried cranberries
(4:25 PM) Kevin: That sounds healthy
(4:25 PM) Kevin: And carob
(4:25 PM) Kevin: fucking only dumbass vegans would be fooled even for a second into believing that Carob is delicious
(4:25 PM) Kevin: it tastes like the bottom of my cock
(4:25 PM) Ron: that's totally inappropriate
(4:25 PM) Kevin: after it's been soaking in hydrochloric acid

Vice President

2008-12-31T08:22:00.000-08:00

(11:58 AM) Ron: what would you do if you were chosen as the VP
(11:58 AM) Ron: how much fun would you have
(11:59 AM) Kevin: I would hate it
(11:59 AM) Ron: yeah but you'd get to hang in DC - chilling on the potomac
(12:00 PM) Kevin: I would deliver all of my speeches from a canoe
(12:00 PM) Kevin: the audience would have to run along the river to keep up
(12:00 PM) Ron: you wouldn't be able to stand in it though
(12:01 PM) Ron: because you would capsize
(12:01 PM) Ron: that could be pretty funny though
(12:01 PM) Ron: the slapstick candidate
(12:01 PM) Kevin: This would be my catch phrase:
(12:01 PM) Kevin: “Hey guys! I'm pooping right now!”
(12:01 PM) Ron: so stupid
(12:01 PM) Ron: an embarassment

Johnny Mathis

2008-12-31T08:13:00.000-08:00

(5:20 PM) Ron: what is this shit?
(5:20 PM) Ron: kidding - it sounds good
(5:20 PM) Kevin: Johnny Mathis
(5:20 PM) Ron: this isn't your normal jam
(5:20 PM) Kevin: Trying a change of pace
(5:20 PM) Ron: you don't like sentimental stuff
(5:20 PM) Kevin: not enjoying it though
(5:21 PM) Ron: will throw you off a double decker bus into the east river later
(5:21 PM) Kevin: Will invite you to a police beating in 15 minutes

Ron Making Jazz Trumpet Sounds with His Mouth

2008-12-18T05:12:00.000-08:00

(3:58 PM) Kevin: I was shocked at how annoying that was
(3:59 PM) Kevin: Like my whole body shook with rage
(3:59 PM) Ron: I am so annoyed by the jazz
(3:59 PM) Kevin: It was some shit that would have made me go nuts if it were Benito doing it
(3:59 PM) Ron: I guess I was trying to do something more annoying
(3:59 PM) Kevin: I wanted to stab you
(3:59 PM) Ron: I've accomplished my dream
(3:59 PM) Kevin: Like literally walk up and stab you in the shoulder with a knife
(3:59 PM) Ron: to make you hate me as much as Benito
(3:59 PM) Ron: WHAT THE FUCK
(4:00 PM) Ron: WE ARE ABOUT TO GO ULTIMATE FIGHTING
(4:01 PM) Kevin: It was just a moment
(4:01 PM) Kevin: A fleeting moment of white hot rage
(4:02 PM) Kevin: And in that moment
(4:02 PM) Kevin: I would have killed you, given the opportunity
(4:02 PM) Ron: FUCK THAT
(4:02 PM) Ron: seriously mad
(4:02 PM) Ron: for real
(4:02 PM) Ron: not just joke mad
(4:02 PM) Ron: If we were in prison I would rape you for saying that

Hungry

2008-12-18T05:10:00.000-08:00

(12:27 PM) Ron: OK now I'm hungry
(12:27 PM) Ron: what are you going to do about it
(12:28 PM) Kevin: Snatch a bite of a jerry curl sausage
(12:28 PM) Kevin: get whiplash on some delicious hairy treats
(12:28 PM) Kevin: Ride that phony pony all the way to satiation
(12:28 PM) Kevin: Make waffles with my dick
(12:38 PM) Kevin: Decided what I will eat
(12:38 PM) Ron: what
(12:38 PM) Kevin: A dick
(12:38 PM) Ron: stupid
(12:39 PM) Ron: not enough calories
(12:39 PM) Kevin: Too small to be very nourishing

Hobbit Names

2008-12-16T19:13:00.001-08:00

(2:33 PM) Kevin: http://chriswetherell.com/hobbit/
(2:33 PM) Kevin: Mine is Bulbo Sandybanks of Frogmorton
(2:33 PM) Ron: so fucked
(2:34 PM) Kevin: Ooh! You're Olo Peatfingers of Brockenborings
(2:34 PM) Ron: Ferdirand Tighfield of Tookbank
(2:34 PM) Ron: that's me
(2:36 PM) Ron: it should be tightfield
(2:36 PM) Ron: instead of tighfield
(2:36 PM) Kevin: It should be Worthington Douchfield of Cocknuzzle Hills
(2:37 PM) Kevin: Can you handle that?
(2:37 PM) Ron: nope
(2:37 PM) Ron: too funny

Blur + Willy Wonka

2008-12-12T23:26:00.001-08:00

(1:54 PM) Ron: what the hell is this RACKET?
(1:55 PM) Kevin: Blur
(1:55 PM) Ron: huh
(1:55 PM) Kevin: You dont know this song?
(1:55 PM) Ron: no
(1:55 PM) Kevin: It's a huge single
(1:55 PM) Kevin: Girls who like boys who like boys who are girls
(1:55 PM) Ron: I don't know it
(1:55 PM) Ron: oh maybe when the chorus comes
(1:55 PM) Ron: right
(1:55 PM) Ron: I know it
(1:55 PM) Kevin: Great tune
(1:55 PM) Kevin: they are great
(1:55 PM) Kevin: I'm not saying this to be a dick
(1:56 PM) Kevin: but they are fucking 10000000 times better than oaisis
(1:56 PM) Ron: They eat crumbs from the inside of my jockey shorts
(1:56 PM) Kevin: as do I
(1:56 PM) Ron: I don't care what you think about Oasis
(1:56 PM) Ron: don't really give 100 shits
(1:56 PM) Kevin: somehow your body warmth makes those crumbs scrumdiddlyumptious
(1:56 PM) Kevin: so fucked up
(1:56 PM) Ron: take it down a notch
(1:56 PM) Kevin: I was all Willy Wonka up in this joint for a minute
(1:57 PM) Ron: not sure I understand what you mean - you were a poor orphan boy on a tour of a chocolate factory?
(1:59 PM) Kevin: Have you ever seen that movie?
(2:00 PM) Ron: no
(2:00 PM) Kevin: It's all about a dude who's got a crazy factory
(2:00 PM) Kevin: and a crazy mouth to go with it
(2:00 PM) Ron: I've read the book mr. dunce cap
(2:00 PM) Kevin: I'm gonna put a crazy mouth on a crazy part of your body
(2:00 PM) Ron: Willy Wonka is the kid isn't it?
(2:00 PM) Kevin: You have obviously NEVER read the book
(2:01 PM) Kevin: The kid's name is Charlie Bucket
(2:01 PM) Ron: In the book I read he was Willy Wonka - and they went to the shore for a holiday and watched whales
(2:01 PM) Kevin: And he had brain cancer, and lived in a trailer, and was perpetually drunk on rum
(2:02 PM) Ron: I wrote the prequel. . .WIlly Wonka is a Poor Orphan (and his Holiday at the Sea)
(2:03 PM) Kevin: And I wrote the sequel - The Burial of Willy Wonka (The drunk, cancerous orphan from the trailer park)
(2:03 PM) Ron: Gonna bury your ass before you die
(2:03 PM) Kevin: gonna sustain myself on the crumbs in your jockey shorts in the event of a nuclear holocaust
(2:04 PM) Ron: too fucking much
(2:04 PM) Ron: H3r3's a n3w comput3r game: shut the fuck up
(2:05 PM) Ron: Let me see if Kevin is available - I need to chop off his ass and bury it in the new Yankee Stadium

Lunch

2008-12-12T23:22:00.000-08:00

(11:56 AM) Ron: what are you getting me for my birthday/christmas/new years celebration
(11:56 AM) Ron: besides lunch today
(11:56 AM) Kevin: Life ending fist in the face
(11:57 AM) Ron: I don't think you have the power to do that to me
(11:57 AM) Kevin: window/turntable/defenestration combo
(11:57 AM) Kevin: Silo w/ flaming corn
(11:58 AM) Kevin: Weekend on a dude ranch made entirely of upward faicing nails
(11:58 AM) Kevin: Year Membership in the freestyle drowning club
(11:58 AM) Kevin: And lunch
(11:58 AM) Ron: why don't you make good on your promises
(11:59 AM) Kevin: because I don't really want to kill you.
(11:59 AM) Ron: I know

Hit in the Head with a Metal Pipe

2008-12-12T23:20:00.000-08:00

(11:07 AM) Ron: weird - I just had a thing flash in my mind - a mcdonald's sausage patty - the flavor
(11:08 AM) Kevin: That is cracking me the fuck up
(11:08 AM) Ron: it was the truth
(11:08 AM) Ron: dude - I don't want to do SHIT
(11:08 AM) Kevin: That's some shit you'd hear a guy say if he was like hit in the head with a metal pipe
(11:08 AM) Kevin: "For a moment, everything was quiet, and I could taste a McDonalds Sausage patty"

Puke Blowjob

2008-12-12T23:18:00.000-08:00

(5:21 PM) Kevin: How would you feel if I left 30 min early
(5:22 PM) Ron: if you must go for it
(5:22 PM) Ron: I'd prefer it if you didn't
(5:23 PM) Kevin: how would you feel if I had been giving Darnell a blowjob when he threw up earlier
(5:24 PM) Ron: since you told me about it while sitting at your desk I would be blown away
(5:24 PM) Ron: imagine giving a BJ that makes someone puke
(5:24 PM) Ron: strange
(5:24 PM) Kevin: I don't have to imagine it. I've been on both ends of that equation

Hung Over Co-Worker Goes Home

2008-12-12T23:14:00.000-08:00

(2:13 PM) Kevin: I think Darnell is puking in the bathroom
(2:13 PM) Ron: awwww
(2:13 PM) Kevin: Someone's in there grunting
(2:13 PM) Ron: that's sad
(2:13 PM) Kevin: with sexual glee
(2:13 PM) Kevin: (it's me and you 2 minutes into the guture)
(2:14 PM) Kevin: future
(2:14 PM) Kevin: Guture
(2:14 PM) Ron: hey check it out - you are getting ME a cookie
(2:14 PM) Kevin: Guture is like the dystopian future
(2:14 PM) Ron: excited
(2:15 PM) Kevin: He wants to call out sick, son
(2:15 PM) Ron: so much shame
(2:15 PM) Kevin: That's too much
(2:15 PM) Ron: I am the biggest dick in the world
(2:15 PM) Ron: right behind you
(2:15 PM) Ron: you are more of a dick
(2:15 PM) Ron: in every way

Hating Our Job

2008-12-12T23:11:00.000-08:00

(2:16 PM) Kevin: Every time I step into this arena of douchington I feel crappy
(2:16 PM) Kevin: deal with it
(2:16 PM) Ron: there's a word for that
(2:16 PM) Kevin: All I want to do is be in bed napping with my cat
(2:17 PM) Ron: its called "wankleberry"
(2:17 PM) Ron: that's what you are
(2:18 PM) Kevin: I suppose I deserved that

Humming

2008-12-12T23:06:00.000-08:00

(1:11 PM) Ron: are you humming?
(1:11 PM) Kevin: Um...
(1:11 PM) Kevin: maybe
(1:11 PM) Ron: seriously ffucked up
(1:11 PM) Kevin: Does it make you want to come over and harmonize with me?
(1:11 PM) Ron: for that I'm getting you the NSYNC Christmas album
(1:12 PM) Kevin: For that, I am getting you a life ending colonic

Suicide

2008-12-12T23:04:00.000-08:00

(12:04 PM) Ron: take off your belt, put it around your neck, slip one end into the buckle, go into the server closet, stand on a chair, tie one end around some sturdy piping, jump. See what happens. Its neat.
(12:05 PM) Kevin: I see you laughing over there
(12:05 PM) Ron: funniest shit ever written
(12:05 PM) Kevin: Its too bad I won't be alive to see the guilt on your face after my suicide.
(12:05 PM) Ron: I will be seriously bummed out

How Youths Talk

2008-12-02T18:20:00.000-08:00

(3:23 PM) Ron: old people are super lame
(3:24 PM) Ron: except for you
(3:24 PM) Kevin: Dick, you're the old one here.
(3:24 PM) Kevin: You were like 105 when cars were invented
(3:24 PM) Ron: check it out - I'm not as old as I told you I was
(3:24 PM) Kevin: yr 13
(3:24 PM) Kevin: Yr doucheteen
(3:24 PM) Ron: this is an internship I'm doing to get out of advanced algebra
(3:24 PM) Kevin: I'm gonna throw you out an advanced window
(3:25 PM) Ron: totulli worth it lols
(3:25 PM) Kevin: HAY r@wnz! Dew y3w w@ann@ haynge Aut Layter?!
(3:26 PM) Kevin: That's how the youths talk
(3:26 PM) Kevin: so ...
(3:26 PM) Ron: eye du knowt wahna siiii u aghane!
(3:27 PM) Kevin: th@tz s3w Fuc<3d UP
(3:28 PM) Ron: 373 d0nut kare
(3:32 PM) Kevin: Wh@l3, 3y3 th!n< y0ur3 a str@!GhT uP d!c<@s@urus

Economic Downturn

2008-12-02T18:12:00.001-08:00

(12:53 PM) Kevin: All things considered, I think we're doing pretty good in this economic downturn
(12:54 PM) Kevin: people are at least "talking" to us
(12:54 PM) Ron: well shit is going to get worse
(12:54 PM) Kevin: as opposed to just out and out cancelling
(12:54 PM) Kevin: No it will not
(12:54 PM) Ron: this is kind of just the beginning
(12:54 PM) Kevin: not on my watch it wont
(12:54 PM) Ron: ok captain kangaroo
(12:55 PM) Kevin: This is why I want to go get a job at NPR
(12:55 PM) Kevin: JOB SECURITY
(12:55 PM) Ron: har
(12:56 PM) Ron: NPR will be phased out in exactly:
(12:56 PM) Ron: two weeks
(12:56 PM) Kevin: My hand will be in your diapers in exactly:
(12:56 PM) Kevin: 4 minutes
(12:56 PM) Ron: so stupid
(12:56 PM) Ron: idiocy
(12:58 PM) Kevin: How intense would it be if once night after work, you and I went out to get some food and a beer, and I was like "Ron. Dude. I gotta be straight up with you man. I am wearing a diaper right now. And not because I'm incontinent. Because I really love the way it feels to poop myself. I'm telling you this because I knew you wouldn't judge me - knew you would embrace me for who I was."
(12:58 PM) Kevin: Would that give you an economic downturn, euphemistically?
(12:59 PM) Ron: I know for reals this is not possible
(12:59 PM) Ron: so I'm not even going to consider it hypothetically
(1:00 PM) Kevin: Dude...can we go get a drink after work tonight? I wanna talk to you about something

Gas Prices

2008-12-01T16:59:00.000-08:00

(5:07 PM) Kevin: Can you explain to me why gas prices are so low all of a sudden
(5:07 PM) Kevin: they're suddenly at prices that make sense
(5:07 PM) Kevin: like, as far as inflation goes
(5:07 PM) Ron: oil prices are down - why I'm not sure
(5:07 PM) Kevin: ...kind of
(5:07 PM) Ron: something to do with the economy being in the shitter
(5:08 PM) Kevin: I'm gonna be in your shitter in a minute
(5:08 PM) Kevin: BOOM
(5:08 PM) Ron: so stupid
(5:08 PM) Ron: so innappropriate
(5:08 PM) Kevin: So effortless
(5:08 PM) Ron: so right

Vagina Monologues

2008-12-01T16:57:00.000-08:00

(3:53 PM) Kevin: Do you think it would be sexist to stage the Vagina Monologues read entirely by men
(3:54 PM) Ron: Well - my first impulse is yes
(3:54 PM) Ron: but maybe you could play it like it was solidarity
(3:54 PM) Ron: as long as all the dudes were very sarcastic and dismissive
(3:54 PM) Ron: then it would be very much a tribute
(3:55 PM) Kevin: I had this idea when I lived in Texas, and I mentioned it to this girl who didn't shave her armpits, and she told me that I was crossing over into "dangerous territory"
(3:55 PM) Kevin: Those were her exact words
(3:55 PM) Kevin: I don't mention her unshaved armpits as an assessment of her character
(3:55 PM) Ron: then you should definitely do a one-man-show of vagina monologues
(3:56 PM) Ron: clearly you did
(3:56 PM) Kevin: but it should give you some insight into her politics
(3:56 PM) Kevin: I did it as an assessment of her filthy ass armpits
(3:56 PM) Kevin: cracking up at myself right now
(3:56 PM) Kevin: It feels crazy to be so funn
(3:56 PM) Ron: You could mount a huge ass broadway productions of the Vag 'logues
(3:56 PM) Kevin: The Vagilogs
(3:57 PM) Kevin: That's my new travestite punk band, the vag-logs
(3:58 PM) Ron: Vaj Logs
(3:58 PM) Ron: Just to have the pronunciation

Rap #3

2008-12-01T16:53:00.000-08:00

(2:53 PM) Kevin: This is the opening music to the movie Yojimbo
(2:53 PM) Kevin: totally unedited by me
(2:53 PM) Kevin: I want to spruce it up a bit
(2:53 PM) Kevin: cuz it is ripe for beat making
(2:55 PM) Ron: ripe to be ruined by you
(2:55 PM) Kevin: Ripe to be raped
(2:55 PM) Kevin: wearing a weird half cape
(2:55 PM) Kevin: Tony Danza face
(2:55 PM) Kevin: In a neck brace
(2:55 PM) Ron: you could start another world war if you got out
(2:55 PM) Kevin: dog pile trip on shantilly lace
(2:56 PM) Ron: basically a world power would nuke any country that gave you asylum
(2:56 PM) Kevin: Dainty little steps on a weekend trip
(2:56 PM) Kevin: Give yr mom's the slip while I punch you in the hip
(2:57 PM) Ron: you would be "rapping" over some terrible IM connection and as long as they got the general area of the country they would happily turn all the other inhabitants into dust to shut you up

Christmas Presents for Kevin's Dad

2008-12-01T16:49:00.000-08:00

(2:10 PM) Ron: why don't you get him one of those sublime frequencies jams?
(2:11 PM) Ron: that's world music - but kinda out there at the same time
(2:11 PM) Kevin: I think those might be too much for him
(2:11 PM) Kevin: I think he's into more...pro recorded shits
(2:12 PM) Ron: give the dude a break
(2:12 PM) Ron: he's kind of hip
(2:12 PM) Ron: we hung out this weekend
(2:12 PM) Ron: actually recorded some tunes ourselves
(2:13 PM) Ron: if you want to call recording the sound of sex "tunes"
(2:13 PM) Kevin: I am filing a restraining order against you

Rap #2

2008-12-01T16:46:00.000-08:00

(12:20 PM) Kevin: are we going to Mooncake today
(12:20 PM) Kevin: or do I have to start rapping again
(12:20 PM) Ron: we could if you want
(12:20 PM) Kevin: Cuz I could rap all afternoon
(12:20 PM) Ron: give thanks for your raps
(12:20 PM) Kevin: Give thanks for your raps
(12:21 PM) Kevin: lose all your money on craps
(12:21 PM) Kevin: take 3 naps
(12:21 PM) Ron: STOP
(12:21 PM) Kevin: get face slaps
(12:21 PM) Kevin: set traps
(12:21 PM) Kevin: what's the haps?
(12:21 PM) Ron: I'm no longer buying you lunch dick
(12:21 PM) Kevin: You can call my ass mud flaps
(12:21 PM) Kevin: man, I was so hungry for some lunchdick, too.

Rap #1

2008-12-01T16:39:00.000-08:00

(12:08 PM) Kevin: Access restricted
(12:09 PM) Kevin: Bullet wound self inflicted
(12:09 PM) Ron: password "Ima pig"
(12:09 PM) Kevin: Like Plaxico Burress
(12:09 PM) Kevin: Come watch me undress
(12:10 PM) Ron: terrible
(12:10 PM) Ron: worst rap I've heard in the last 10 minutes
(12:10 PM) Kevin: Causin mad distress
(12:10 PM) Kevin: in your area
(12:10 PM) Kevin: like an aircraft carrier
(12:17 PM) Kevin: causin mass hysteria
(12:17 PM) Ron: please
(12:17 PM) Kevin: making bi-weekly rape jokes
(12:17 PM) Ron: stop your rap
(12:17 PM) Kevin: Takin frequent joint tokes
(12:17 PM) Ron: before I start sending you more sonnets
(12:17 PM) Kevin: baseball card in my spokes
(12:17 PM) Ron: god
(12:18 PM) Kevin: I think that rap was very topical

Dude Doesn't Think for a Hot Minute...

2008-11-26T20:44:00.000-08:00

(2:47 PM) Ron: dude the "clearance fail" dude's gotta be DEAD!
(2:47 PM) Ron: WTF
(2:49 PM) Kevin: That was me
(2:49 PM) Ron: so f'ed
(2:49 PM) Ron: dude wasn't thinking for a hot minute and ends up dead
(2:50 PM) Kevin: THAT WAS ME
(2:50 PM) Kevin: STILL ALIVE
(2:50 PM) Kevin: Look, I've learned my lesson about towing trailers
(2:50 PM) Kevin: but I regret nothing
(2:50 PM) Ron: dude doesn't think for a hot minute and ends up impregnating a yeti
(2:51 PM) Kevin: THAT WAS ME
(2:51 PM) Kevin: Raising a half yeti
(2:51 PM) Kevin: I made a mistake
(2:51 PM) Kevin: but I'm prepared to live with my decision
(2:51 PM) Kevin: She looked good, son
(2:51 PM) Kevin: She had on a tube top
(2:52 PM) Ron: dude doesn't think for a hot minute and ends up not being able to think of a good retort
(2:52 PM) Kevin: That in itself wasn't a bad retort

End of Civilization

2008-11-26T20:40:00.000-08:00

(2:27 PM) Kevin: So I'm becoming obsessed with this idea of the end of civilization
(2:27 PM) Kevin: I am thinking that I might want to learn how to grow my own food and shit
(2:27 PM) Kevin: in order to live into the future
(2:27 PM) Ron: you've told me that before
(2:27 PM) Kevin: I also want to buy a gun
(2:28 PM) Ron: you should prob be more concerned about the end of your memory
(2:28 PM) Kevin: So I can shoot you
(2:28 PM) Ron: you've said (done) that before. You missed. But you wouldn't remember that.
(2:28 PM) Kevin: Dude, you're the one with the terrible memory
(2:28 PM) Kevin: so don't even front
(2:29 PM) Kevin: you didn't know my name for the first 18 months I worked here
(2:29 PM) Ron: you have absolutely zero examples of this
(2:29 PM) Ron: ZERO
(2:29 PM) Kevin: You kept calling me Leprechaun and Leprosy
(2:29 PM) Kevin: I don't even know where you got that shit
(2:29 PM) Kevin: but you just kept forgetting
(2:29 PM) Ron: What's wrong with call you "the guy with the douchey face"?
(2:29 PM) Kevin: Well you're doing that Tonto shit again
(2:30 PM) Kevin: I'll tell you what's wrong with call me douchey face
(2:30 PM) Ron: me no do tonto
(2:30 PM) Kevin: it's innacurate.
(2:30 PM) Kevin: I am the guy with the distinguished, chiseled jawline
(2:30 PM) Ron: what wrong with tonto call you "man with big heap of douche over face"
(2:31 PM) Kevin: Is it ok, then, if I call you "The man with the fecal complexion"?
(2:32 PM) Ron: terrible
(2:32 PM) Ron: not factual
(2:32 PM) Ron: stick to the facts
(2:32 PM) Kevin: Here's a fact.
(2:32 PM) Kevin: I am going to induce apocalypse just so I have an excuse, in all the chaos and mayhem, to shoot you
(2:33 PM) Ron: what the fuck?
(2:33 PM) Kevin: Until now I was worried about it. Now I'm looking forward to it
(2:33 PM) Kevin: I will make you DJ for 6 hours at the end of a shooting range
(2:33 PM) Ron: prescription: rice pill, face punch, cliff jump
(2:34 PM) Ron: so at the end of the world you would be singularly focused on shooting me?
(2:35 PM) Ron: Just look behind me - I'll be the one with my boot up your ass
(2:35 PM) Kevin: It would be machinated in order to get you at the end of a shooting range with two turntables (Stanton Belt-Driven tables - the cheap kind) and forcing you to DJ only Sade and En Vogue singles until such time that you are taken out by wealthy militants
(2:35 PM) Ron: Yes - that may be an impossibility
(2:35 PM) Ron: If you look behind me you will see me with my boot up your ass
(2:36 PM) Ron: Book of revelations shit
(2:36 PM) Kevin: If I look behind you
(2:36 PM) Kevin: That's spooky
(2:36 PM) Ron: if you look behind your own face you will find my face
(2:36 PM) Kevin: This is like an Ingmar Bergman movie
(2:36 PM) Ron: and its coming through to crush your face

Getting Off

2008-11-26T20:35:00.000-08:00

(12:46 PM) Ron: I know what goatse is now
(12:46 PM) Kevin: And how do you feel about it
(12:46 PM) Ron: I have become enlightened
(12:47 PM) Kevin: Your next assigments:
(12:47 PM) Kevin: tubgirl, lemonparty
(12:47 PM) Kevin: They're pretty nasty though
(12:47 PM) Kevin: probably best if you don't look at them at work
(12:48 PM) Ron: I'm never going to actually look at those sites
(12:48 PM) Ron: I haven't and won't
(12:48 PM) Ron: there's a friendly wiki descrip of their contents
(12:48 PM) Ron: that's enough
(12:48 PM) Kevin: That is friendly of wikipedia.
(12:49 PM) Ron: have you seen the actual sites?
(12:49 PM) Kevin: Yes
(12:49 PM) Kevin: I visit them nightly
(12:49 PM) Ron: disappointed in you
(12:49 PM) Kevin: A guy's gotta get off somehow
(12:49 PM) Ron: par for the course
(12:49 PM) Ron: there are other ways to get off
(12:49 PM) Ron: cuteoverlad.com
(12:49 PM) Kevin: I also get off by collecting the tears of recently divorced couples
(12:50 PM) Ron: sad
(12:50 PM) Kevin: Punching grade schoolers in the sternum
(12:50 PM) Kevin: Headbutting people in wheelchairs
(12:50 PM) Ron: *sigh - lips flapping*

Senatorial Investigation

2008-11-21T16:59:00.000-08:00

(1:30 PM) Ron: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/22/health/22radio.html?hp
(1:31 PM) Kevin: wow, what a fuckhorse
(1:31 PM) Ron: totally
(1:31 PM) Ron: just shat on NPR - prob lost them more government funding
(1:32 PM) Kevin: I hope his ass gets fiiiiiired
(1:33 PM) Kevin: I'll take his job
(1:33 PM) Ron: wow if you read more of the article this senator is coming down hard on drug companies
(1:33 PM) Kevin: and make no money offering my own, very controversial research
(1:33 PM) Ron: and fucking with researchers who take more money from them than they report
(1:33 PM) Kevin: "Kids can easy be cured of autism with a cock slap"
(1:33 PM) Ron: (May require repeated, infinite slaps until death)
(1:34 PM) Kevin: That just owned my life
(1:34 PM) Ron: because you got that prescription as a young child
(1:34 PM) Ron: and I'm the Dr. filling it
(1:34 PM) Ron: day in and day out

DMX Tune

2008-11-21T16:57:00.000-08:00

(12:38 PM) Ron: BEWARE - I'M GONNA ATTACK YOU AT SOME POINT TODAY
(12:39 PM) Kevin: WTF is that
(12:41 PM) Ron: GONNA GO FOR DA THROAT
(12:42 PM) Ron: RAY GUN BLAST
(12:43 PM) Kevin: This sounds like a lil' wayne tune
(12:43 PM) Kevin: I take that back
(12:43 PM) Kevin: sounds like a DMX tune
(12:43 PM) Ron: YOUR HEAD WILL EXPLODE LIKE A CAT IN A MICROWAVE

Maura Tierney

2008-11-21T16:55:00.000-08:00

(12:06 PM) Ron: oh BTW. . .I saw Maura Tierney at Fette Sau on Tues
(12:06 PM) Ron: she looked mad good
(12:06 PM) Kevin: I dont know who that is
(12:07 PM) Ron: http://www.superiorpics.com/wenn_album/Maura_Tierney_-_Heading_to_Divorce/Maura_Tierney_002_072806.jpg
(12:07 PM) Ron: she does not look good in that
(12:07 PM) Ron: http://l.yimg.com/img.tv.yahoo.com/tv/us/img/site/46/54/0000034654_20061021010226.jpg
(12:07 PM) Kevin: She's got issues. She needs to change her name to frumplestiltskin
(12:07 PM) Ron: she in her 40s - get over yourself
(12:08 PM) Ron: she looks good
(12:08 PM) Kevin: I know all of this
(12:08 PM) Kevin: I am married to her
(12:08 PM) Ron: fuck you
(12:08 PM) Kevin: P'd off at you
(12:08 PM) Ron: we are having an affair - she's about to divorce your weak ass
(12:08 PM) Ron: she says your pits smell terrible
(12:09 PM) Kevin: We have an open relationship. We like to explore as many sensual, sexual beings as we can, because we're open minded. We may be married, but I don't possess her like you endeavor too. Let go of all that negative energy and find your emotional center in freeing, emotionally weighted sex play
(12:26 PM) Kevin: I see that you have no response once I exposed you to the depth of our relationship
(12:26 PM) Ron: who cares

Argument Over Raekwon

2008-11-20T19:27:00.000-08:00

(6:30 PM) Kevin: This beat is so nuts
(6:31 PM) Kevin: There's a girl talking in the backgound saying "I wanna love him ... but what if he-"
(6:31 PM) Kevin: and then it repeats
(6:31 PM) Ron: sounds like something I hawked into a storm drain this morning
(6:32 PM) Kevin: I pissed inside your mouth and butthole this morning
(6:32 PM) Kevin: that's why you woke up wet in both orifii
(6:32 PM) Kevin: so fuck with that
(6:32 PM) Ron: so outsized
(6:32 PM) Ron: tone it down racist

Dow Jones Industrial Average

2008-11-20T19:24:00.000-08:00

(3:12 PM) Ron: what is happening right now?
(3:13 PM) Kevin: Doing work
(3:16 PM) Ron: self-righteous
(3:42 PM) Kevin: DOW: 7,628
(3:42 PM) Ron: Dow: take a sip from my penis
(3:42 PM) Kevin: Dow: Don't mind if I do

Dream

2008-11-20T19:23:00.000-08:00

(11:58 AM) Kevin: Check this out:
(11:58 AM) Kevin: I had a crazy ass dream last night
(11:58 AM) Kevin: You and I were hobos
(11:58 AM) Ron: ok
(11:58 AM) Ron: hehe
(11:58 AM) Kevin: And we were like huddled around a burning drum, wearing several layers, fingerless gloves, warming out hands over the fire.
(11:58 AM) Kevin: And we were riffing, just like we do all day on IM.
(11:59 AM) Kevin: And we were talking about Turduckhen
(11:59 AM) Kevin: You know Turduckhen?
(12:00 PM) Kevin: anyway, we were talking about Turduckhen,and what a stupid, ridiculous idea it was.
(12:00 PM) Kevin: And we came up with this thing, which was a duck with money stuffed in its mouth, that is then stuffed inside a dog
(12:00 PM) Kevin: Which is called a Dogduckdough
(12:00 PM) Kevin: I swear to god I'm not making this up.
(12:03 PM) Ron: how are you remembering this?
(12:03 PM) Kevin: I woke up and immediately started telling Janine about it.
(12:04 PM) Ron: I'm sure she was beside herself with excitement

Pickle

2008-11-20T05:34:00.001-08:00

(1:40 PM) Kevin: That pickle was fucking insane
(1:41 PM) Ron: good?
(1:41 PM) Kevin: I feel high from eating it
(1:41 PM) Ron: or worthy of being institutionalized
(1:41 PM) Kevin: Like I just smoked a hooter
(1:57 PM) Ron: you got stoned from a f'in pickle?
(1:58 PM) Kevin: Hearing that was so intense to you that it took you 16 minutes to respond
(1:58 PM) Kevin: disrespectful
(1:59 PM) Ron: let's just say that I had other things to do
(1:59 PM) Kevin: Fondling your own gentalia
(1:59 PM) Kevin: or someone else's....?
(1:59 PM) Ron: like eating my own pickle and waiting the results to kick in

Tonto

2008-11-20T05:33:00.003-08:00

(3:19 PM) Ron: well - you can't like everything in world
(3:19 PM) Kevin: "In world"
(3:19 PM) Ron: so jump off a bridge onto a pirate ship that's about to get destroyed
(3:20 PM) Kevin: You're like Tonto
(3:20 PM) Ron: there are turntables and a small selection of dance hits on deck
(3:20 PM) Ron: a handful of idiots arrived looking for a party
(3:20 PM) Ron: you can spin some tunes before the ship gets blown up
(3:20 PM) Kevin: "White man cant like everything in world. Trade big wampum for pirate ship made from hollowed out birch tree"
(3:21 PM) Kevin: I just fucked you up
(3:21 PM) Kevin: I saw that
(3:21 PM) Kevin: you needed to turn around and face the wall
(3:21 PM) Ron: India is about to blow your shitty DJ gig out of the water
(3:21 PM) Kevin: like self-imposed punishment

eVite

2008-11-20T05:33:00.001-08:00

(3:23 PM) Ron: You just got an eVite to your own funeral
(3:24 PM) Ron: Actually its a party - I'm DJing
(3:24 PM) Ron: should be pretty fun

Octave Pedal

2008-11-18T21:04:00.000-08:00

(2:19 PM) Ron: what are you doing tonight
(2:19 PM) Kevin: Buying an octave pedal
(2:19 PM) Ron: huh
(2:19 PM) Ron: why
(2:20 PM) Kevin: I like the sounds they make
(2:20 PM) Ron: actually - you don't
(2:20 PM) Kevin: Ok.
(2:20 PM) Kevin: Can we be serious for a minute
(2:20 PM) Kevin: what the fuck is wrong with you
(2:36 PM) Ron: what are you talking about
(2:36 PM) Ron: I am fine
(2:36 PM) Ron: I am great
(2:36 PM) Kevin: Are you?
(2:36 PM) Ron: yep
(2:36 PM) Kevin: Let's look at the evidence
(2:36 PM) Ron: you should stop right now
(2:36 PM) Ron: don't finish your thought
(2:36 PM) Kevin: 1.) I like the way an octave pedal sounds. but you thing that I don't. Even though I just told you that I do.
(2:37 PM) Ron: you will end up at the bottom of a well
(2:37 PM) Kevin: 2.) I handed my water to you so you could refill it, and you didn't
(2:37 PM) Kevin: 3.) You took a dump on the floor in the lounge this morning
(2:37 PM) Ron: 1) whatever
(2:37 PM) Ron: 2) mamma needs to slap you
(2:38 PM) Kevin: 3.) That was disrespectful.
(2:38 PM) Ron: 3) that was because you begged me to
(2:38 PM) Kevin: 4.) Please apologize
(2:38 PM) Ron: 4) I am sorry
(2:38 PM) Kevin: 5) thanks, doucherino

Chipotle

2008-11-18T21:03:00.002-08:00

(12:15 PM) Kevin: If you guys got Chipotle today, I would eat 2 lunches
(12:15 PM) Kevin: no judgements. Just sayin

Rolling Stones

2008-11-18T21:03:00.001-08:00

(10:40 AM) Ron: there is this really good band I'd like to hip you to
(10:40 AM) Ron: they are called the Rolling Stones

The Flesh Eaters

2008-11-17T18:49:00.007-08:00

(5:24 PM) Kevin: What is this music
(5:24 PM) Ron: Flesh Eaters
(5:24 PM) Kevin: this person's voice is unbelievable
(5:24 PM) Kevin: It's so bad
(5:24 PM) Ron: prob one of my top ten bands
(5:25 PM) Ron: his singing is amazing
(5:25 PM) Kevin: Its like some dude gnarling out of tune
(5:25 PM) Kevin: It sounds like the sounds I make on the toilet
(5:25 PM) Ron: your toilet grunts have not been set to music yet
(5:26 PM) Ron: this band is so good
(5:26 PM) Kevin: This is like the worst music I've ever heard
(5:26 PM) Ron: right now you are being absurd
(5:27 PM) Ron: you need to check yourself
(5:27 PM) Kevin: all I can hear is this warbling off-key obnoxious singer
(5:27 PM) Kevin: dude sounds like he's trying to sing a different song
(5:27 PM) Kevin: "I'm not feeling what the band's playing. I'm gonna sing something else"
(5:27 PM) Ron: which is awesome
(5:27 PM) Ron: its not what he's doing
(5:28 PM) Ron: but alright Chumpsy Critic the Third
(5:28 PM) Kevin: Critic Charlesburg Humpster, esquire
(5:29 PM) Ron: I think this one of the most amazing vocal performances in rock
(5:29 PM) Kevin: Maybe I actually need to stand in front of the speakers and listen.
(5:29 PM) Kevin: It sounds like he's doing a substandard James Chance impression
(5:29 PM) Ron: har
(5:30 PM) Ron: James Chance doesn't have shit on this dude
(5:30 PM) Kevin: I would have to go ahead and disagree with that.
(5:30 PM) Ron: we are in a fight now
(5:30 PM) Ron: we are involved in a fight
(5:30 PM) Kevin: This dude needs to go get some voice lessons from Phil Collins
(5:30 PM) Ron: that comment does not deserve an answer
(5:31 PM) Kevin: That comment deserves an award
(5:31 PM) Ron: I will give you an award - a demitasse cup of sperm
(5:31 PM) Kevin: I'll take it!

Chris Ware Dude

2008-11-17T18:49:00.005-08:00

(2:44 PM) Ron: you are a chris ware dude right
(2:45 PM) Kevin: I mean, I dont know if I'd call myself a "chris ware dude"
(2:45 PM) Kevin: I like his stuff. I haven't read anything after the Jimmy Corrigan Saga, really
(2:46 PM) Ron: ok - "you are nothing if not a person who is obsessed to the point of absurdity with the art, life and influence of Chris Ware, comic book writer, Dad and thinker"
(2:47 PM) Kevin: what?
(2:48 PM) Ron: "when you get up in the morning it is with great difficulty that you perform the mundane activities of your day because your every fiber is focused on Chris Ware and everything that this name encompasses"
(2:48 PM) Kevin: Oh. I get it.
(2:48 PM) Kevin: You're making a "joke"
(2:49 PM) Kevin: and I find it "hilarious"

Romance and Rage

2008-11-17T18:49:00.003-08:00

(12:32 PM) Kevin: Well, this morning when I came into the office you came up behind me, put your arms around me and rested your chin on my shoulder, whispering gently into my ear "My loins burn for you." Or maybe it was "My loins burn from you". . . either way...
(12:33 PM) Ron: I'm not sure what electric shaver you used this morning. . .but you need to take a raincheck on your thoughts right now
(12:34 PM) Kevin: "You need to tell your brain to call back in a few hours"

Poetry

2008-11-17T18:48:00.005-08:00

(12:09 PM) Ron: i would love a girl with designer sweat pants and no underwear

Diablo Cody

2008-11-17T18:48:00.003-08:00

(5:49 PM) Kevin: I dont like to admit it
(5:49 PM) Kevin: but it needs to be said
(5:50 PM) Kevin: I have a boner for Diablo Cody
(5:50 PM) Kevin: deal with it
(5:51 PM) Ron: she looks good
(5:51 PM) Ron: I didn't know who the F she was
(5:53 PM) Ron: maybe she will be my wife someday
(5:53 PM) Kevin: I don’t think so.
(5:53 PM) Ron: why
(5:54 PM) Ron: i'm a big time catch
(5:54 PM) Kevin: You carry the nascent odor of feces.
(5:54 PM) Kevin: sorry to be the one to break it to you.
(5:54 PM) Kevin: but that's life.
(5:55 PM) Ron: she might be into that

Psalms

2008-11-17T18:48:00.001-08:00

(1:48 PM) Ron: you know what I was reading this morning which was blowing my mind? Pslams
(1:48 PM) Kevin: What is that
(1:49 PM) Ron: Its a book in the Old Testament
(1:49 PM) Ron: Arise, O LORD; save me, O my God: for thou hast smitten all mine enemies upon the cheek bone; thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly.
(1:49 PM) Ron: its really strange
(1:49 PM) Kevin: Psalms is a book in the old test. Pslams are what I do to you with my johnson
(1:49 PM) Ron: you are off base
(1:49 PM) Kevin: But not incorrect
(1:50 PM) Ron: that's more like Revelations

Spam Email Subject Lines

2008-11-17T18:47:00.002-08:00

(9:58 AM) Ron: "Don't settle for less than 9 inches"
(9:58 AM) Kevin: I never have, never will
(9:59 AM) Ron: "Don't settle for less than 9 inches." - Mom
(10:00 AM) Kevin: That's so fucked up
(10:00 AM) Kevin: It's like reliving my childhood
(10:00 AM) Ron: she was very hard on you
(10:00 AM) Kevin: She was very hard in me
(10:01 AM) Ron: fucked

Adaptation

2008-11-17T18:47:00.001-08:00

(12:13 PM) Kevin: I watched Adaptation the other night
(12:13 PM) Kevin: That movie was really good
(12:13 PM) Ron: yeah?
(12:13 PM) Kevin: I could watch Nicholas Cage schlub around with his twin brother for days and weeks and months
(12:14 PM) Ron: I remember seeing it in the theater that's about it
(12:14 PM) Ron: I don't even remember that
(12:14 PM) Kevin: The movie stars Nicholas Cage as 2 characters
(12:14 PM) Kevin: Charlie and Donald Kaufman
(12:14 PM) Ron: I HATE when actors do that
(12:14 PM) Ron: fucking hate it
(12:14 PM) Kevin: why
(12:14 PM) Ron: its an excuse for an actor to jack off in my face
(12:15 PM) Kevin: well, I mean, that's how Kaufman wrote it
(12:15 PM) Ron: so what
(12:15 PM) Kevin: It's purposeful
(12:15 PM) Ron: mad at the world
(12:15 PM) Kevin: Look, I haven't told you yet
(12:15 PM) Kevin: because I didnt want you to get upset
(12:15 PM) Kevin: but you have emotional problems
(12:16 PM) Ron: the conceit of twins being played by the same person is the most asinine of all cinema "innovations"
(12:16 PM) Ron: its goddamn boring
(12:16 PM) Kevin: It's not supposed to be an innovation, you dickblaster. It's supposed to be making fun of that cliche. It's self-aware
(12:16 PM) Ron: hating you
(12:16 PM) Ron: right now
(12:16 PM) Kevin: Massaging every part of your body as punishment

Photograph From the Internet

2008-11-17T18:45:00.000-08:00

(10:30 AM) Ron: who is that
(10:30 AM) Kevin: Ya got me
(10:30 AM) Kevin: Check out the guns on the table
(10:30 AM) Kevin: A gun and a grenade
(10:30 AM) Kevin: That's my dad.
(10:30 AM) Kevin: The little girl is me before the operation
(10:30 AM) Ron: that's you in the dress
(10:31 AM) Kevin: We're on some shared brain shit
(10:31 AM) Ron: yeah

Mojo Cut and Paste

2008-11-17T18:44:00.000-08:00

(1:58 PM) Ron: how do you feel about the concept of "mojo"
(1:58 PM) Ron: has it been ruined?
(1:59 PM) Ron: Mojo (pronounced /ˈmoʊdʒoʊ/) is a term commonly encountered in the African-American folk belief called hoodoo. A mojo is a type of magic charm, often of red flannel cloth and tied with a drawstring, containing botanical, zoological, and/or mineral curios, petition papers, and the like. It is typically worn under clothing.
(1:59 PM) Kevin: I never think about Mojo
(2:00 PM) Ron: http://www.luckymojo.com/mojo.html
(2:00 PM) Ron: you better start
(2:01 PM) Ron: Nation sack
(2:02 PM) Ron: http://www.luckymojo.com/bodyfluids.html
(2:04 PM) Ron: In the African-American hoodoo tradition, as well as in Sicilian folk-magic, menstrual blood served to a man in his coffee or tea is a sovereign recipe for capturing his sexual attention. No ritual, prayer, or invocation is necessary; you simply add some menstrual blood to the man's coffee or tea.
(2:04 PM) Kevin: News Flash : Not feeling this line of conversation
(2:04 PM) Kevin: Too heavily related to bodily fluids
(2:04 PM) Ron: I'm lovin' it!
(2:04 PM) Kevin: McDonalds
(2:04 PM) Ron: its amazing actually
(2:05 PM) Ron: if you will simply let me cut and paste some more text into this window you will see what I mean
(2:05 PM) Kevin: Its just making me thing of the Load Album Cover. All cum and piss and blood and shit
(2:05 PM) Ron: Or you can run scared into your momma's skirts
(2:05 PM) Kevin: Also making me think of our relationship
(2:05 PM) Kevin: and how we could develop
(2:05 PM) Kevin: as men
(2:05 PM) Kevin: together
(2:05 PM) Ron: boys becoming men by anothers' hand
(2:06 PM) Kevin: Boyz II Men
(2:06 PM) Ron: I have done this often, with uniformly good results. I have directly fed gobbets of menstruum to my lover, from my fingers, as one might feed a pet. This was done to bind him, but to avoid the sneakiness of slipping it into his drinks -- i want him to KNOW how much i want him to be mine, and to know that i am working the spell on him right out in the open. (As the old slogan for the Steak-and-Shake drive-in chain reads: "In sight -- it must be right!")
(2:07 PM) Kevin: What the fuck!
(2:07 PM) Kevin: Why dont you just relax with this shit
(2:16 PM) Ron: No matter what you call it, one of the oldest root work traditions is for a male gambler to have a female lover urinate on his mojo bag or lucky hand while he is at play.
(2:16 PM) Kevin: It just keeps getting more and more insane
(2:17 PM) Kevin: So do you think the phrase "That's not my bag" comes from a mojo bag?
(2:17 PM) Ron: the polite word for urine is "chamber lye"
(2:17 PM) Kevin: My mojo bag is your nut sack.
(2:17 PM) Ron: so I'm about to pour some chamber lye onto your mojo hand so you can win at online poker
(2:17 PM) Kevin: Did that blow your mind?
(2:19 PM) Ron: I think my approach to your internet gambling is more intense
(2:20 PM) Kevin: I'm willing to give it a shot if it wins me some money
(2:20 PM) Ron: lend me your hand

Bar Time

2008-11-17T18:43:00.002-08:00

(11:21 AM) Ron: what are you doing tonight
(11:22 AM) Kevin: Going 2 the bar with Allan and Dave
(11:22 AM) Kevin: wanna cum
(11:22 AM) Kevin: (on my lips and eyes)

Kokomo + Origin Story

2008-11-17T18:43:00.001-08:00

(5:11 PM) Ron: Kokomo is the name of a Tiki-style poolside bar within the Holiday Isle resort complex in Islamorada, in the Florida Keys.
(5:12 PM) Kevin: Kokomo is the fucking worst shit
(5:12 PM) Ron: The "Kokomo" single backed with "Tutti Frutti" by Little Richard was first released through Elektra Records in July 1988.
(5:12 PM) Kevin: Beach Boys' biggest seller
(5:13 PM) Ron: In 2006, Beach Boys member Mike Love recorded a critically panned Christmas remake of the song, titled "Santa's Going To Kokomo".
(5:13 PM) Kevin: GOD FUCK MIKE LOVE
(5:13 PM) Kevin: Fuck his BUTTERY WILLING ASS
(5:13 PM) Kevin: This shit is consistently TOO fucking much
(5:14 PM) Kevin: can you imagine if, somewhere in the ether, there was just a chat log of us...going nuts again and again
(5:14 PM) Ron: yeah - that a bunch of people read every day
(5:14 PM) Ron: we should start a blog of our chats
(5:15 PM) Ron: I don't think anyone does that

Ramen

2008-11-17T18:42:00.002-08:00

(4:59 PM) Ron: I am getting obsessed with Ramen
(4:59 PM) Kevin: Gross
(4:59 PM) Ron: I'm trying different places around the city
(4:59 PM) Kevin: That shit is so nasty
(4:59 PM) Ron: not the stuff you get in a bag
(5:00 PM) Ron: the stuff we ate that you loved at Rai Rai Ken
(5:00 PM) Ron: don't be a dick
(5:04 PM) Ron: so you're just going to end the discussion there? you think its gross - even though you "loved" it?
(5:04 PM) Ron: super angry right now
(5:04 PM) Kevin: I LOVED IT
(5:04 PM) Kevin: I just dont like the packaged crap
(5:04 PM) Ron: no shit sherlock
(5:05 PM) Ron: noodle bars
(5:06 PM) Kevin: Noodledick
(5:07 PM) Ron: so fucking mad at you
(5:08 PM) Kevin: Doodlenick
(5:08 PM) Ron: imagine your brain
(5:08 PM) Ron: you have the image?
(5:08 PM) Kevin: You know what I always say
(5:08 PM) Kevin: "Do what you feel"
(5:08 PM) Ron: now imagine your brain getting crushed by a turntable falling out of a window
(5:09 PM) Ron: I am DJing on those turntables
(5:09 PM) Ron: playing Magical Mystery Tour
(5:09 PM) Ron: and laughin
(5:09 PM) Ron: Bob is looking out the window from which I jumped
(5:09 PM) Kevin: I'm playing the fifth Chicago LP and simultaneously shitting and crying
(5:10 PM) Ron: and asking me to play "Gimme Shelter" next
(5:10 PM) Kevin: Dude, put on some police
(5:10 PM) Kevin: Skip is whipping Spinal tap records at you from the 8th floor
(5:11 PM) Ron: there are SO MANY lyrics to the Beach Boys Kokomo - did you know that?
(5:11 PM) Kevin: and Carl is shitting out chewed up bits his "I can Hear the Heart Beating as One" CD/LP/Cassette

Bumbo the Wild Man

2008-11-17T18:42:00.001-08:00

(4:03 PM) Kevin: I wonder if there are pictures of Bumbo the Wild Man
(4:04 PM) Ron: eat 'em up
(4:05 PM) Ron: the wild man from borneo just makes me laugh
(4:05 PM) Ron: thinking about it
(4:05 PM) Kevin: Me too
(4:06 PM) Kevin: http://w.ick.ca/22764
(4:06 PM) Ron: that is so damn racist and absurd
(4:45 PM) Kevin: Bumbo the Wild Man
(4:46 PM) Ron: that's me!

Judas Priest

2008-11-17T18:40:00.000-08:00

(3:50 PM) Ron: how much have you read about the Judas Priest suicide trial?
(3:50 PM) Kevin: Very little
(3:50 PM) Kevin: I read about that Negativland shit though
(3:51 PM) Ron: you mean the fair use stuff? The letter U and the numeral 2?
(3:51 PM) Kevin: Naw
(3:53 PM) Kevin: A number of releases followed in the early 1980s, but it wasn't until after the release of their breakthrough sample and cut-up sonic barrage Escape from Noise in 1987 that Negativland gained wider attention. Vinyl copies of the album came with "CAR BOMB" bumper stickers, in reference to the album's song "Car Bomb".

Following the somewhat unexpected success of this album, Negativland faced the prospect of going on a money-losing tour. To prevent this, they put together a phony press release. It claimed that the acts of an axe murderer named David Brom had actually been incited by their song "Christianity Is Stupid." The song contained samples deriding Christianity taken from the pro-Christianity film, If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?.

The story ran on TV news shows, newspapers, and magazines, with little to no fact-checking.[citation needed] Soon the world was informed of the "Killer Song" that caused a kid to murder his parents with an ax.

The scandal became the foundation for their next release, Helter Stupid, which featured a cover photo of TV news "journalist" Hal Eisner intoning the ax murder story, with the news station's caption "Killer Song" above his head, and a photo of the ax murderer.
(3:55 PM) Ron: hehe
(3:56 PM) Ron: I guess I have heard that
(3:56 PM) Ron: there was a double suicide related to listening to Stained Class
(3:56 PM) Ron: it is a really weird story
(3:57 PM) Ron: basically one of the dudes bought the other guy the album
(3:57 PM) Ron: and they listened to it for like 24 hours
(3:57 PM) Ron: drank a lot, smoked a lot of pot and then decided to kill themselves
(3:57 PM) Kevin: I remember when we did that shit
(3:58 PM) Ron: they brought a shotgun out to a field, one of them managed to kill himself and
the other turned his head at the last minute and shot off his jaw
(3:58 PM) Ron: but lived
(3:58 PM) Kevin: intense
(3:58 PM) Ron: yeah - seriously messed up
(3:58 PM) Ron: sad stuff
(3:58 PM) Ron: anyway - the parents sued CBS
(3:58 PM) Ron: and there was a big trial
(4:03 PM) Kevin: I wonder if there are pictures of the dude missing a jaw
(4:03 PM) Ron: you do NOT want to see that