Solo Album

(2:49 PM) Kevin: is this lungfish?
(2:49 PM) Ron: yes
(2:50 PM) Kevin: Mungfish
(2:50 PM) Ron: take a sip from my cock spout
(2:51 PM) Kevin: Cock spout
(2:51 PM) Kevin: Pretty special
(2:51 PM) Kevin: This is my solo album.
(2:52 PM) Ron: are you trying to say that that is the name of your solo album?
(2:52 PM) Kevin: No, I was saying that whatever we're listening to right now is my solo album
(2:53 PM) Kevin: The album is called “Cock Spout”
(2:53 PM) Kevin: maybe you've heard of it.
(2:53 PM) Ron: you are wrong - because the name of your solo album is “Drinkin' Cum Curds in Da Springz”
(3:03 PM) Ron: I have work to do but I don't want to do it
(3:03 PM) Kevin: Cum Curdz
(3:03 PM) Kevin: MC Cum Curdz and DJ ShitSculpture

Lunch

(11:25 AM) Kevin: I want food in my mouth
(11:25 AM) Kevin: cuz I have a hunger in my gut
(11:25 AM) Ron: too early
(11:25 AM) Kevin: I know.
(11:25 AM) Ron: you need to eat a balanced breakfast
(11:25 AM) Kevin: I didn't eat breakfast
(11:26 AM) Ron: don't piss me off
(11:26 AM) Kevin: I didn't eat breakfast expressly to piss you off
(11:26 AM) Ron: you've suceeded

Japan's Prime Minister

(11:33 AM) Kevin: Did you know that two Japanese prime ministers have retired in the past year?
(11:33 AM) Kevin: Shit be crazy over there
(11:34 AM) Ron: no - what's up?
(11:34 AM) Kevin: One retired because he had diarrhea
(11:34 AM) Kevin: no lie
(11:34 AM) Ron: that's wild
(11:34 AM) Ron: that's very japanese
(11:34 AM) Kevin: the other retired because he thought congress was making his job impossible
(11:34 AM) Ron: huh - that's pussy talk
(11:35 AM) Ron: tough it out samuri

Getting a Drink

(1:58 PM) Kevin: Janine wants to get a drink @ 10:00
(1:58 PM) Kevin: wanna do it
(1:58 PM) Kevin: with yr dick out
(1:58 PM) Ron: where?
(1:58 PM) Kevin: flailing all over my delighted and surprised testicles
(1:59 PM) Ron: I could more likely do 10:30. . .
(1:59 PM) Kevin: Wherever. A dude doesn't give a flying dickpiss
(1:59 PM) Kevin: 10:30!!!!
(1:59 PM) Ron: at the Levee
(1:59 PM) Kevin: What do you think this is!
(1:59 PM) Kevin: Some kind of cock party!?
(1:59 PM) Ron: jesus
(1:59 PM) Kevin: flailing all over my delighted and surprised testicles
(1:59 PM) Kevin: flailing all over my delighted and surprised testicles
(1:59 PM) Kevin: flailing all over my delighted and surprised testicles
(1:59 PM) Kevin: flailing all over my delighted and surprised testicles
(1:59 PM) Kevin: flailing all over my delighted and surprised testicles
(2:02 PM) Kevin: Were you born at the dumdum store
(2:04 PM) Ron: stop sucking a stupid tit
(2:04 PM) Kevin: whoa, hurtful
(2:05 PM) Ron: I would like you to DJ in the main tank of the Boston Aquarium. No oxygen, no turntables, no records. Just a shark and your naked body until there is nothing left.
(2:05 PM) Kevin: Cruel but fair

Carob

(4:23 PM) Kevin: you'll find that special someone
(4:23 PM) Kevin: crawling around in the muck
(4:23 PM) Kevin: just waiting for your gentle hand
(4:24 PM) Ron: anger nuggets with soy milk and dried cranberries
(4:25 PM) Kevin: That sounds healthy
(4:25 PM) Kevin: And carob
(4:25 PM) Kevin: fucking only dumbass vegans would be fooled even for a second into believing that Carob is delicious
(4:25 PM) Kevin: it tastes like the bottom of my cock
(4:25 PM) Ron: that's totally inappropriate
(4:25 PM) Kevin: after it's been soaking in hydrochloric acid

Vice President

(11:58 AM) Ron: what would you do if you were chosen as the VP
(11:58 AM) Ron: how much fun would you have
(11:59 AM) Kevin: I would hate it
(11:59 AM) Ron: yeah but you'd get to hang in DC - chilling on the potomac
(12:00 PM) Kevin: I would deliver all of my speeches from a canoe
(12:00 PM) Kevin: the audience would have to run along the river to keep up
(12:00 PM) Ron: you wouldn't be able to stand in it though
(12:01 PM) Ron: because you would capsize
(12:01 PM) Ron: that could be pretty funny though
(12:01 PM) Ron: the slapstick candidate
(12:01 PM) Kevin: This would be my catch phrase:
(12:01 PM) Kevin: “Hey guys! I'm pooping right now!”
(12:01 PM) Ron: so stupid
(12:01 PM) Ron: an embarassment

Johnny Mathis

(5:20 PM) Ron: what is this shit?
(5:20 PM) Ron: kidding - it sounds good
(5:20 PM) Kevin: Johnny Mathis
(5:20 PM) Ron: this isn't your normal jam
(5:20 PM) Kevin: Trying a change of pace
(5:20 PM) Ron: you don't like sentimental stuff
(5:20 PM) Kevin: not enjoying it though
(5:21 PM) Ron: will throw you off a double decker bus into the east river later
(5:21 PM) Kevin: Will invite you to a police beating in 15 minutes

Ron Making Jazz Trumpet Sounds with His Mouth

(3:58 PM) Kevin: I was shocked at how annoying that was
(3:59 PM) Kevin: Like my whole body shook with rage
(3:59 PM) Ron: I am so annoyed by the jazz
(3:59 PM) Kevin: It was some shit that would have made me go nuts if it were Benito doing it
(3:59 PM) Ron: I guess I was trying to do something more annoying
(3:59 PM) Kevin: I wanted to stab you
(3:59 PM) Ron: I've accomplished my dream
(3:59 PM) Kevin: Like literally walk up and stab you in the shoulder with a knife
(3:59 PM) Ron: to make you hate me as much as Benito
(3:59 PM) Ron: WHAT THE FUCK
(4:00 PM) Ron: WE ARE ABOUT TO GO ULTIMATE FIGHTING
(4:01 PM) Kevin: It was just a moment
(4:01 PM) Kevin: A fleeting moment of white hot rage
(4:02 PM) Kevin: And in that moment
(4:02 PM) Kevin: I would have killed you, given the opportunity
(4:02 PM) Ron: FUCK THAT
(4:02 PM) Ron: seriously mad
(4:02 PM) Ron: for real
(4:02 PM) Ron: not just joke mad
(4:02 PM) Ron: If we were in prison I would rape you for saying that

Hungry

(12:27 PM) Ron: OK now I'm hungry
(12:27 PM) Ron: what are you going to do about it
(12:28 PM) Kevin: Snatch a bite of a jerry curl sausage
(12:28 PM) Kevin: get whiplash on some delicious hairy treats
(12:28 PM) Kevin: Ride that phony pony all the way to satiation
(12:28 PM) Kevin: Make waffles with my dick
(12:38 PM) Kevin: Decided what I will eat
(12:38 PM) Ron: what
(12:38 PM) Kevin: A dick
(12:38 PM) Ron: stupid
(12:39 PM) Ron: not enough calories
(12:39 PM) Kevin: Too small to be very nourishing

Hobbit Names

(2:33 PM) Kevin: http://chriswetherell.com/hobbit/
(2:33 PM) Kevin: Mine is Bulbo Sandybanks of Frogmorton
(2:33 PM) Ron: so fucked
(2:34 PM) Kevin: Ooh! You're Olo Peatfingers of Brockenborings
(2:34 PM) Ron: Ferdirand Tighfield of Tookbank
(2:34 PM) Ron: that's me
(2:36 PM) Ron: it should be tightfield
(2:36 PM) Ron: instead of tighfield
(2:36 PM) Kevin: It should be Worthington Douchfield of Cocknuzzle Hills
(2:37 PM) Kevin: Can you handle that?
(2:37 PM) Ron: nope
(2:37 PM) Ron: too funny

Blur + Willy Wonka

(1:54 PM) Ron: what the hell is this RACKET?
(1:55 PM) Kevin: Blur
(1:55 PM) Ron: huh
(1:55 PM) Kevin: You dont know this song?
(1:55 PM) Ron: no
(1:55 PM) Kevin: It's a huge single
(1:55 PM) Kevin: Girls who like boys who like boys who are girls
(1:55 PM) Ron: I don't know it
(1:55 PM) Ron: oh maybe when the chorus comes
(1:55 PM) Ron: right
(1:55 PM) Ron: I know it
(1:55 PM) Kevin: Great tune
(1:55 PM) Kevin: they are great
(1:55 PM) Kevin: I'm not saying this to be a dick
(1:56 PM) Kevin: but they are fucking 10000000 times better than oaisis
(1:56 PM) Ron: They eat crumbs from the inside of my jockey shorts
(1:56 PM) Kevin: as do I
(1:56 PM) Ron: I don't care what you think about Oasis
(1:56 PM) Ron: don't really give 100 shits
(1:56 PM) Kevin: somehow your body warmth makes those crumbs scrumdiddlyumptious
(1:56 PM) Kevin: so fucked up
(1:56 PM) Ron: take it down a notch
(1:56 PM) Kevin: I was all Willy Wonka up in this joint for a minute
(1:57 PM) Ron: not sure I understand what you mean - you were a poor orphan boy on a tour of a chocolate factory?
(1:59 PM) Kevin: Have you ever seen that movie?
(2:00 PM) Ron: no
(2:00 PM) Kevin: It's all about a dude who's got a crazy factory
(2:00 PM) Kevin: and a crazy mouth to go with it
(2:00 PM) Ron: I've read the book mr. dunce cap
(2:00 PM) Kevin: I'm gonna put a crazy mouth on a crazy part of your body
(2:00 PM) Ron: Willy Wonka is the kid isn't it?
(2:00 PM) Kevin: You have obviously NEVER read the book
(2:01 PM) Kevin: The kid's name is Charlie Bucket
(2:01 PM) Ron: In the book I read he was Willy Wonka - and they went to the shore for a holiday and watched whales
(2:01 PM) Kevin: And he had brain cancer, and lived in a trailer, and was perpetually drunk on rum
(2:02 PM) Ron: I wrote the prequel. . .WIlly Wonka is a Poor Orphan (and his Holiday at the Sea)
(2:03 PM) Kevin: And I wrote the sequel - The Burial of Willy Wonka (The drunk, cancerous orphan from the trailer park)
(2:03 PM) Ron: Gonna bury your ass before you die
(2:03 PM) Kevin: gonna sustain myself on the crumbs in your jockey shorts in the event of a nuclear holocaust
(2:04 PM) Ron: too fucking much
(2:04 PM) Ron: H3r3's a n3w comput3r game: shut the fuck up
(2:05 PM) Ron: Let me see if Kevin is available - I need to chop off his ass and bury it in the new Yankee Stadium

Lunch

(11:56 AM) Ron: what are you getting me for my birthday/christmas/new years celebration
(11:56 AM) Ron: besides lunch today
(11:56 AM) Kevin: Life ending fist in the face
(11:57 AM) Ron: I don't think you have the power to do that to me
(11:57 AM) Kevin: window/turntable/defenestration combo
(11:57 AM) Kevin: Silo w/ flaming corn
(11:58 AM) Kevin: Weekend on a dude ranch made entirely of upward faicing nails
(11:58 AM) Kevin: Year Membership in the freestyle drowning club
(11:58 AM) Kevin: And lunch
(11:58 AM) Ron: why don't you make good on your promises
(11:59 AM) Kevin: because I don't really want to kill you.
(11:59 AM) Ron: I know

Hit in the Head with a Metal Pipe

(11:07 AM) Ron: weird - I just had a thing flash in my mind - a mcdonald's sausage patty - the flavor
(11:08 AM) Kevin: That is cracking me the fuck up
(11:08 AM) Ron: it was the truth
(11:08 AM) Ron: dude - I don't want to do SHIT
(11:08 AM) Kevin: That's some shit you'd hear a guy say if he was like hit in the head with a metal pipe
(11:08 AM) Kevin: "For a moment, everything was quiet, and I could taste a McDonalds Sausage patty"

Puke Blowjob

(5:21 PM) Kevin: How would you feel if I left 30 min early
(5:22 PM) Ron: if you must go for it
(5:22 PM) Ron: I'd prefer it if you didn't
(5:23 PM) Kevin: how would you feel if I had been giving Darnell a blowjob when he threw up earlier
(5:24 PM) Ron: since you told me about it while sitting at your desk I would be blown away
(5:24 PM) Ron: imagine giving a BJ that makes someone puke
(5:24 PM) Ron: strange
(5:24 PM) Kevin: I don't have to imagine it. I've been on both ends of that equation

Hung Over Co-Worker Goes Home

(2:13 PM) Kevin: I think Darnell is puking in the bathroom
(2:13 PM) Ron: awwww
(2:13 PM) Kevin: Someone's in there grunting
(2:13 PM) Ron: that's sad
(2:13 PM) Kevin: with sexual glee
(2:13 PM) Kevin: (it's me and you 2 minutes into the guture)
(2:14 PM) Kevin: future
(2:14 PM) Kevin: Guture
(2:14 PM) Ron: hey check it out - you are getting ME a cookie
(2:14 PM) Kevin: Guture is like the dystopian future
(2:14 PM) Ron: excited
(2:15 PM) Kevin: He wants to call out sick, son
(2:15 PM) Ron: so much shame
(2:15 PM) Kevin: That's too much
(2:15 PM) Ron: I am the biggest dick in the world
(2:15 PM) Ron: right behind you
(2:15 PM) Ron: you are more of a dick
(2:15 PM) Ron: in every way

Hating Our Job

(2:16 PM) Kevin: Every time I step into this arena of douchington I feel crappy
(2:16 PM) Kevin: deal with it
(2:16 PM) Ron: there's a word for that
(2:16 PM) Kevin: All I want to do is be in bed napping with my cat
(2:17 PM) Ron: its called "wankleberry"
(2:17 PM) Ron: that's what you are
(2:18 PM) Kevin: I suppose I deserved that

Humming

(1:11 PM) Ron: are you humming?
(1:11 PM) Kevin: Um...
(1:11 PM) Kevin: maybe
(1:11 PM) Ron: seriously ffucked up
(1:11 PM) Kevin: Does it make you want to come over and harmonize with me?
(1:11 PM) Ron: for that I'm getting you the NSYNC Christmas album
(1:12 PM) Kevin: For that, I am getting you a life ending colonic

Suicide

(12:04 PM) Ron: take off your belt, put it around your neck, slip one end into the buckle, go into the server closet, stand on a chair, tie one end around some sturdy piping, jump. See what happens. Its neat.
(12:05 PM) Kevin: I see you laughing over there
(12:05 PM) Ron: funniest shit ever written
(12:05 PM) Kevin: Its too bad I won't be alive to see the guilt on your face after my suicide.
(12:05 PM) Ron: I will be seriously bummed out

How Youths Talk

(3:23 PM) Ron: old people are super lame
(3:24 PM) Ron: except for you
(3:24 PM) Kevin: Dick, you're the old one here.
(3:24 PM) Kevin: You were like 105 when cars were invented
(3:24 PM) Ron: check it out - I'm not as old as I told you I was
(3:24 PM) Kevin: yr 13
(3:24 PM) Kevin: Yr doucheteen
(3:24 PM) Ron: this is an internship I'm doing to get out of advanced algebra
(3:24 PM) Kevin: I'm gonna throw you out an advanced window
(3:25 PM) Ron: totulli worth it lols
(3:25 PM) Kevin: HAY r@wnz! Dew y3w w@ann@ haynge Aut Layter?!
(3:26 PM) Kevin: That's how the youths talk
(3:26 PM) Kevin: so ...
(3:26 PM) Ron: eye du knowt wahna siiii u aghane!
(3:27 PM) Kevin: th@tz s3w Fuc<3d UP
(3:28 PM) Ron: 373 d0nut kare
(3:32 PM) Kevin: Wh@l3, 3y3 th!n< y0ur3 a str@!GhT uP d!c<@s@urus

Economic Downturn

(12:53 PM) Kevin: All things considered, I think we're doing pretty good in this economic downturn
(12:54 PM) Kevin: people are at least "talking" to us
(12:54 PM) Ron: well shit is going to get worse
(12:54 PM) Kevin: as opposed to just out and out cancelling
(12:54 PM) Kevin: No it will not
(12:54 PM) Ron: this is kind of just the beginning
(12:54 PM) Kevin: not on my watch it wont
(12:54 PM) Ron: ok captain kangaroo
(12:55 PM) Kevin: This is why I want to go get a job at NPR
(12:55 PM) Kevin: JOB SECURITY
(12:55 PM) Ron: har
(12:56 PM) Ron: NPR will be phased out in exactly:
(12:56 PM) Ron: two weeks
(12:56 PM) Kevin: My hand will be in your diapers in exactly:
(12:56 PM) Kevin: 4 minutes
(12:56 PM) Ron: so stupid
(12:56 PM) Ron: idiocy
(12:58 PM) Kevin: How intense would it be if once night after work, you and I went out to get some food and a beer, and I was like "Ron. Dude. I gotta be straight up with you man. I am wearing a diaper right now. And not because I'm incontinent. Because I really love the way it feels to poop myself. I'm telling you this because I knew you wouldn't judge me - knew you would embrace me for who I was."
(12:58 PM) Kevin: Would that give you an economic downturn, euphemistically?
(12:59 PM) Ron: I know for reals this is not possible
(12:59 PM) Ron: so I'm not even going to consider it hypothetically
(1:00 PM) Kevin: Dude...can we go get a drink after work tonight? I wanna talk to you about something

Gas Prices

(5:07 PM) Kevin: Can you explain to me why gas prices are so low all of a sudden
(5:07 PM) Kevin: they're suddenly at prices that make sense
(5:07 PM) Kevin: like, as far as inflation goes
(5:07 PM) Ron: oil prices are down - why I'm not sure
(5:07 PM) Kevin: ...kind of
(5:07 PM) Ron: something to do with the economy being in the shitter
(5:08 PM) Kevin: I'm gonna be in your shitter in a minute
(5:08 PM) Kevin: BOOM
(5:08 PM) Ron: so stupid
(5:08 PM) Ron: so innappropriate
(5:08 PM) Kevin: So effortless
(5:08 PM) Ron: so right

Vagina Monologues

(3:53 PM) Kevin: Do you think it would be sexist to stage the Vagina Monologues read entirely by men
(3:54 PM) Ron: Well - my first impulse is yes
(3:54 PM) Ron: but maybe you could play it like it was solidarity
(3:54 PM) Ron: as long as all the dudes were very sarcastic and dismissive
(3:54 PM) Ron: then it would be very much a tribute
(3:55 PM) Kevin: I had this idea when I lived in Texas, and I mentioned it to this girl who didn't shave her armpits, and she told me that I was crossing over into "dangerous territory"
(3:55 PM) Kevin: Those were her exact words
(3:55 PM) Kevin: I don't mention her unshaved armpits as an assessment of her character
(3:55 PM) Ron: then you should definitely do a one-man-show of vagina monologues
(3:56 PM) Ron: clearly you did
(3:56 PM) Kevin: but it should give you some insight into her politics
(3:56 PM) Kevin: I did it as an assessment of her filthy ass armpits
(3:56 PM) Kevin: cracking up at myself right now
(3:56 PM) Kevin: It feels crazy to be so funn
(3:56 PM) Ron: You could mount a huge ass broadway productions of the Vag 'logues
(3:56 PM) Kevin: The Vagilogs
(3:57 PM) Kevin: That's my new travestite punk band, the vag-logs
(3:58 PM) Ron: Vaj Logs
(3:58 PM) Ron: Just to have the pronunciation

Rap #3

(2:53 PM) Kevin: This is the opening music to the movie Yojimbo
(2:53 PM) Kevin: totally unedited by me
(2:53 PM) Kevin: I want to spruce it up a bit
(2:53 PM) Kevin: cuz it is ripe for beat making
(2:55 PM) Ron: ripe to be ruined by you
(2:55 PM) Kevin: Ripe to be raped
(2:55 PM) Kevin: wearing a weird half cape
(2:55 PM) Kevin: Tony Danza face
(2:55 PM) Kevin: In a neck brace
(2:55 PM) Ron: you could start another world war if you got out
(2:55 PM) Kevin: dog pile trip on shantilly lace
(2:56 PM) Ron: basically a world power would nuke any country that gave you asylum
(2:56 PM) Kevin: Dainty little steps on a weekend trip
(2:56 PM) Kevin: Give yr mom's the slip while I punch you in the hip
(2:57 PM) Ron: you would be "rapping" over some terrible IM connection and as long as they got the general area of the country they would happily turn all the other inhabitants into dust to shut you up

Christmas Presents for Kevin's Dad

(2:10 PM) Ron: why don't you get him one of those sublime frequencies jams?
(2:11 PM) Ron: that's world music - but kinda out there at the same time
(2:11 PM) Kevin: I think those might be too much for him
(2:11 PM) Kevin: I think he's into more...pro recorded shits
(2:12 PM) Ron: give the dude a break
(2:12 PM) Ron: he's kind of hip
(2:12 PM) Ron: we hung out this weekend
(2:12 PM) Ron: actually recorded some tunes ourselves
(2:13 PM) Ron: if you want to call recording the sound of sex "tunes"
(2:13 PM) Kevin: I am filing a restraining order against you

Rap #2

(12:20 PM) Kevin: are we going to Mooncake today
(12:20 PM) Kevin: or do I have to start rapping again
(12:20 PM) Ron: we could if you want
(12:20 PM) Kevin: Cuz I could rap all afternoon
(12:20 PM) Ron: give thanks for your raps
(12:20 PM) Kevin: Give thanks for your raps
(12:21 PM) Kevin: lose all your money on craps
(12:21 PM) Kevin: take 3 naps
(12:21 PM) Ron: STOP
(12:21 PM) Kevin: get face slaps
(12:21 PM) Kevin: set traps
(12:21 PM) Kevin: what's the haps?
(12:21 PM) Ron: I'm no longer buying you lunch dick
(12:21 PM) Kevin: You can call my ass mud flaps
(12:21 PM) Kevin: man, I was so hungry for some lunchdick, too.

Rap #1

(12:08 PM) Kevin: Access restricted
(12:09 PM) Kevin: Bullet wound self inflicted
(12:09 PM) Ron: password "Ima pig"
(12:09 PM) Kevin: Like Plaxico Burress
(12:09 PM) Kevin: Come watch me undress
(12:10 PM) Ron: terrible
(12:10 PM) Ron: worst rap I've heard in the last 10 minutes
(12:10 PM) Kevin: Causin mad distress
(12:10 PM) Kevin: in your area
(12:10 PM) Kevin: like an aircraft carrier
(12:17 PM) Kevin: causin mass hysteria
(12:17 PM) Ron: please
(12:17 PM) Kevin: making bi-weekly rape jokes
(12:17 PM) Ron: stop your rap
(12:17 PM) Kevin: Takin frequent joint tokes
(12:17 PM) Ron: before I start sending you more sonnets
(12:17 PM) Kevin: baseball card in my spokes
(12:17 PM) Ron: god
(12:18 PM) Kevin: I think that rap was very topical